Musical Bri!

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A prayerful hymn for holiness

In Church today, we sang "More Holiness Give Me". It reminded me of how a few years back, I wrote an entry elaborating on the meaning of that hymn. Though I am long overdue for a fresh, new entry, I feel it is a good time to remind myself and anyone who may be reading of the significance of this hymn. Begging the forgiveness of those of you who would rather I not simply repost previous entries.

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Philip Bliss wrote the words and music to a beautiful hymn about 150 years ago.  That hymn is called "More Holiness Give Me".  Too often I think that when we sing it, we just sing "more ----------, more -----------" without thinking about what it is we are saying.  These are my thoughts about the hymn.

As a whole, this is a prayer.  This hymn is a very personal pleading between me and my Father in Heaven.  When I sing these words, I am pleading with Him to change my nature so that I can become more like Him.  Therefore, I ask for more of those qualities that are pure and Godlike.  "More" is not just a repeated word, but demonstrates an increasingly greater desire for Divine aid.

I think I will "translate" the words to this hymn.  The words on the left reflect the actual text of the hymn, and the words on the right reflect my understanding of them and my ponderings.

More holiness give me                                           Father in Heaven, please give me

                                                                                sanctity and purity of heart.

More strivings within                                             Please bring Thy Spirit here so that

                                                                                I may feel it in my heart, and 

                                                                                have a greater desire to do good

                                                                                and serve Thee.

More patience in suff'ring                                      Help me not to complain so much, 

                                                                                to remember that trials are

                                                                                necessary for me to progress  

                                                                                and to receive blessings.

More sorrow for sin                                             Give me a sensitive heart that feels 

                                                                                pain for the sins I commit so  

                                                                                that I may repent and return to 

                                                                                Thee. Also help me to feel pain 

                                                                                for the sins of others instead of 

                                                                                disregarding them as "their 

                                                                                choice".

More faith in my Savior                                        Strengthen my testimony of Thy 

                                                                                Son's infinite Atonement for my

                                                                                sins.

More sense of His care                                         Help me be more aware of my 

                                                                                Savior's everlasting care and

                                                                                desire for my eternal joy.

More joy in His service                                         Help me to find happiness in 

                                                                                serving the Lord.

More purpose in prayer.                                       Help me remember that prayers 

                                                                                are not just words spoken

                                                                                aloud, but a means for me to

                                                                                counsel with Thee, for me to 

                                                                                come to Thee just as I might

                                                                                come to my earthly father for 

                                                                                guidance.

More gratitude give me                                         Father, please help me to be more

                                                                                appreciative of the countless 

                                                                                blessings Thou hast given me

                                                                                and do continuously give me.

More trust in the Lord                                          Remind me of Who is in control, for

                                                                                Thou knowest all things.

More pride in His glory                                         Strengthen me so that I am bold in 

                                                                                my adoration of Thy Son, that I 

                                                                                may shout His glory from the 

                                                                                rooftops.

More hope in His word                                        Along with faith, give me hope in the 

                                                                                scriptures and the words of the

                                                                                prophets, which promise eternal

                                                                                blessings if we are faithful.

More tears for His sorrows                                   Help me to feel more sorrow for His 

                                                                                sorrow, to feel more sorrow for 

                                                                                all the sins of the world and the 

                                                                                wickedness that He Atoned for

                                                                                in Gethsemane.

More pain at His grief                                           Allow me to feel even a portion of 

                                                                                the pain He feels for those who 

                                                                                will not turn to Him.

More meekness in trial                                          Help me to be humble and 

                                                                                submissive in my trials so that

                                                                                I may endure them well.

More praise for relief.                                           Give me more gratitude when my 

                                                                                burdens are lifted, and help me

                                                                                to remember Who is the reason

                                                                                for such great blessings.  Help

                                                                                me to share that blessing with

                                                                                others and praise Thy Name 

                                                                                all day long.

More purity give me                                             Father, make me pure and holy, 

                                                                                that I may see Thee.

More strength to o'ercome                                    Give me fortitude against the

                                                                                draining power of tribulations,

                                                                                and help me to endure well, 

                                                                                that my spirit may be

                                                                                strengthened through it.

More freedom from earth stains                            Free me from the thorns of the flesh,

                                                                                those sins that would chain me 

                                                                                for all eternity.  Help me to

                                                                                resist temptation where neces-

                                                                                sary and avoid temptation

                                                                                where possible, that I may be 

                                                                                free and worthy to worship 

                                                                                Thee.

More longing for home                                         Help me to not forget that I was once

                                                                                at Thy feet, that I am only on

                                                                                earth for a small period of time

                                                                                to be tested.  Help me to

                                                                                remember that heavenly home

                                                                                and have an ever greater desire 

                                                                                and longing to return to it.

More fit for the kingdom                                       Mold me so that I become an 

                                                                                instrument in Thy hands, that I

                                                                                may be able to accomplish Thy

                                                                                will for the kingdom of heaven.

More used would I be                                          If I can be molded into whatever Thou

                                                                                wouldst have me be, may I be

                                                                                 used in whatever calling or 

                                                                                service Thou might require, and 

                                                                                as such I would be able, 

                                                                                available, and eager to serve.

More blessed and holy                                         I ask Thee again to please give me

                                                                                a pure heart and a spirit of 

                                                                                holiness

More, Savior, like Thee.                                      So that above all, I may become as 

                                                                                Thou art.

                                                                           I ask for these blessings with faith

                                                                                to receive them, in the sacred

                                                                                Name of my Lord and Savior, 

                                                                                Jesus Christ.  Amen.

Life Happenings: A Musical Future?

*Note: There are a lot of links to previous blogposts of mine in this post. Feel free to ignore them if you wish, but if you really want to know what's happening in my life and where my heart is, please refresh your memory of or read for the first time the posts I link to. Thanks!

Some of you have never read this blog of mine before. Others have been my readers since the beginning or have come in along the way. Regardless, those of you who know me know my interest in music. I talk about it a lot on this blog...recall some of my previous posts, such as:

Playing air piano
The music is all around you. All you have to do is listen.
A Murder for Her Majesty
The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist

...and plenty more. It is a big part of my life. But til now, I haven't been able to turn my music into a career by which I can support myself and possibly others. My last post was about how I was looking for work and was stressed about my financial future. I mentioned looking for a job in the field of sociology, which I've searched for and had no luck finding. I have also considered writing or teaching writing/English. But most of all, I want a job in music and said that "virtually any music job opportunity would bring me joy."

You may wonder, what has happened with the job search? Nothing that I expected, that's for sure. So many interesting things have happened in the past few months, and I know that those of you who are truly interested in the goings-on in my life either already know about them or will ask me for more details. For the rest of you, I'll kindly summarize. Recently, I made a new friend who graciously granted me the opportunity of working with her, doing SEO writing. It is a job I can do from anywhere and I am so grateful to have it. We have been told by several of our employers that our writing is high in quality and that they think of us first when they need a project done, which is always good news to hear as writers. I thank the Lord and my good friend J for this opportunity to help make ends meet at this complicated time in my life.

In addition, this friend of mine through the Hand of the Lord has granted me another opportunity: to become involved in a grand musical project. Right now there is no income to be had from said project, but if we are able to find the right resources and if we do our best to make things happen, I believe God will allow this to become a positive and profitable experience in many ways for those involved. I have become highly invested in this project, in part due to the hope for a future income in this field but more for the fact that it allows me to do what I truly love. I am so grateful that the Lord has allowed me to become involved in something I love. Sociology was always something I was good at, and it will continue to be a resource for me. If a good sociology job opportunity comes along, I may take it. But sociology was never a love of mine like music is. So for now, I will pursue this musical path I have chosen. I have been able to discover the true meaning of the phrase, "Get a job doing something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." This rarely feels like work to me. Of course it's not a paid job yet, but I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to generate an income as part of a force that will edify and strengthen others through music and other good sources, such as writing, media, etc. Perhaps this project is the beginning of that opportunity for me in my life.

As part of this step in life, I have to relocate back to Utah Valley, and soon. I once wrote that "Utah Valley has been pretty good to me, but I don't feel that it holds anything for me as far as my future goes. So I am looking elsewhere [for where to go in life]." Though I have very mixed feelings on returning to Utah given my mixed experiences there over the past 6 years, apparently I need to give Utah Valley one more chance. Perhaps this time as a non-student, living in the Provo area will grant me a different experience. Maybe I will have a better social and dating life. Who knows? I'll have to see what happens when I get back there. Most of all, I'm very concerned about how I will survive financially when I get there. With student loan payments coming soon, rent payments, probably car insurance and car payments, and normal costs of living, I'm definitely going to struggle. If at all possible I'd like to at least break even every month with the money I make from my SEO job and the bills I have to pay, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I'll have to rely heavily on the Lord for His grace to sustain me. Gotta have the faith and don't stop believin'!

This entry has been long, but yes, that was me summarizing what's been happening in my life. The real story is much more detailed and involves not only J but also KD and A and others.

Music is so much a part of me that I can't ignore it. Music flows from my fingers, it consumes my mind, it roams unchecked from my vocal chords, it is the very air I breathe and the energy that allows me to move. It is here in my heart, and I am listening to it.  I know that music must be a part of my life, and I want it to be. Therefore, I will allow it to direct me into uncharted life territories so that together, music and I can make the most of life. In faith, I know that the Lord will not leave me comfortless or stranded but He will mold me into an instrument in His Hands so that I may contribute good to this world through the talents, gifts, and resources He has given me. I pray that He continues to guide me and all of you in our journeys and that we can always see His Hand leading us to where we need to be.

Looking for work

So, uh, hi everyone. It's been two full months since my last update and, well, some things have definitely happened since then. In July we had an awesome family reunion for all descendants of my parents, which right now is 19 people including spouses and grandchildren. It was our first one for just our family and it was wonderful. I wish we could all live in closer proximity to each other so we could spend more time together. Shortly after that I graduated -- I officially finished my Master's degree (still haven't received the diploma in the mail, but I'm sure that'll come soon)! My parents came up for that and we all celebrated. Then I left Utah to come live in CA with them until I find a job. I was very sad to leave my two sisters and their families behind in Utah, but it was time for me to live somewhere else. So here I am, back at home with my parents and looking for work. Do any of my dear readers have suggestions for me on where to look? I'm hoping for a position as a research analyst of sorts, researching family structure, family relationships, child development, or any number of other people-related subjects. I'd also like to teach sociology or even writing/English. Most of all, as I'm sure you know, I would love to do something music-related -- teaching, composing, arranging, etc. Virtually any music job opportunity would bring me joy. Of course, I'm struggling with figuring out the whole "real adult life" thing -- having a real job with a salary, 401k and other benefit stuffs, figuring out insurance, paying back student loans, having to buy a car and car insurance, finding a good place to live, purchasing necessary furniture/appliances for said residence, dealing with meager savings and dwindling funds...you know, the fun stuff. Yay. But it would all definitely be easier if I had a job...so if you have any suggestions, please let me know. Particularly if you have any connections to research or music positions. Thank you!

I apologize once again for the boring-ness of the life update, but my life isn't terribly interesting right now anyway. Perhaps soon I will have more interesting things to say. 

Party Rockin' in the Summer

It's been a busy, busy summer!

First things first: THESIS = DONE! I finally defended it on June 11th and passed with a few revisions, which I completed and submitted not long afterward. Exciting! I celebrated with friends and family at the local Olive Garden and Coldstone. =) Now I'm done with my Master's Degree. :-o But I'm still trying to figure out what to do next (recall my previous blogpost)...any suggestions?

This last weekend my sister K, her daughter M, and I went down to my friend D's wedding and my cousin W's wedding receptions in southern California. We drove down Thursday and came back on Tuesday. I was a little apprehensive about the drive with my 15-month-old niece, but she was very good! Our sister C lent us her portable DVD player, which helped immensely. The wedding and wedding dinner/reception (delicious salmon!) for D were beautiful. I decided to give her a long-requested gift (D, if you haven't opened it yet you'll find out soon enough anyway) of a CD of myself playing the piano. 9 years ago for her high school graduation, she requested that I record myself playing Jon Schmidt's "Waterfall" on the piano for her, but I never did it...at first it was that I didn't really have a way to record it, then I hadn't played it for a few years and wasn't as good at it anymore, and then it was just left alone. But when her wedding date started to draw nearer I remembered how I had never done that and decided that I wanted to make it happen for her wedding. I recorded a whole CD for her, with "Waterfall" and 9 other tracks of me playing the piano (other pieces I like to play, one I wrote, and a few Disney kicks since she loves Disney so much). It certainly isn't perfect; I used my laptop's built-in microphone and the wonderful program Audacity to edit it, but I believe the final product would suit her original request. For my cousin W, I played their wedding song on the piano (Yurima's "River Flows In You") for their first dance. It was great to see lots of family there that I haven't seen in a while. She had an awesome set of songs for the dance party segment of the reception, including Michael Jackson, a bunch of swing stuff, "Zoot Suit Riot", and of course, it began with LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem". When "Party Rock Anthem" came on, I really wanted to dance to it, so my aunt's 60-something-year-old fiancé whom I'd just met told me to "go dance!" I said I didn't have anyone to dance with, so he immediately jumped up and went and danced with me for that song and a couple more fun ones. It was awesome. The rest of the trip was nice to just spend playing with Mom and Dad, seeing my brother D and his family, and a few friends, going swimming in my parents' pool, enjoying the beautiful California summer, and of course eating at some of our favorite restaurants from home that we miss.

Then, of course, yesterday was the Fourth of July. Happy Independence Day, everyone! My roommate T and I went to hang out with my sisters' families and our friend C, which involved the traditional games, barbecue, and fireworks. The latter may or may not have involved the purchasing of many, many fireworks ("emits showers of sparks!") with your standard sparklers, ground blooms, smoke balls, black cats (ouch, those hurt your ears!), and other more intense fountains and aerials with names such as "Spirit of Missouri" (C is from Missouri), "Magic Cube Fountain", "Blazing Rebel", "Devil's Delight", etc., and ending with "Full Metal Jacket 2". It was quite the display. My poor 4-year-old nephew had a great time but was completely exhausted when he finally went to bed 2 hours later than normal. Then we had to brave the horrendous post Stadium of Fire traffic to get back down to Provo. But it was worth it for a good holiday celebration with great people. God bless America!

In a few weeks we will have our first Burr family reunion with all the descendants of my parents! That means 2 parents, 5 kids, 4 spouses, and 8 grandchildren for a total of 19 people. It will be a lot of fun. Yay, family!

And it's raining today! I love the rain.

Life is good, if you couldn't tell from what I post here. I just need to figure out where to go next. I still feel like I should leave this general area, though I will definitely miss my sisters and their families. Utah Valley has been pretty good to me, but I don't feel that it holds anything for me as far as my future goes. So I am looking elsewhere. If you have any suggestions, again, I welcome them. Thanks for reading!

Playing air piano

It's been months, and so much has happened that I'm not going to tell you about it!  Ha.  Those of you who really want to know all about it can ask me personally.  Suffice to say that I am working hard on my thesis and am finally about ready to defend my proposal (35 pages later).  And I'm preparing to run a 5K in March (never actually ran a 5K race before, so that should be fun).

I keep thinking of blogposts to write and then I never get around to doing them...so here is a brief one for you all.

In the last month or two I've noticed a substantial increase in the amount of "air piano" I play.  Not just drumming my fingers like a normal person, but moving them as if I'm actually playing a musical piece.  Seriously, every single time I'm walking somewhere I realize I'm moving or tapping my fingers as if I'm playing the piano.  At least 20 times a day, I realize I'm doing it...when I'm thinking of something new to type for my thesis, when I'm waiting for something, when I'm talking to someone...and often I will realize that I am not just "playing" mindlessly but am playing an actual piece I know: a Beethoven Sonata I auditioned with for the BYU music program, Für Elise (that song will always have a place in my heart), a Chopin Scherzo, Prokofiev, scales, arpeggios.  Oddly enough, the piece I "play" most often is a specific Dozen a Day exercise that's good for finger independence...go figure. And it's not just the right hand melody part that I play. Sometimes I play chords.  Sometimes I realize I'm playing the left hand part. Alone. With no melody. (I sometimes will hum or sing aloud the harmony part to a song instead of the melody.) I even mentioned yesterday to my roommate that I've noticed myself doing this, and she said she's noticed it over the past few weeks, too.  Music is just so much a part of me, I think it wanted to remind me that I've been neglecting it in place of other silly things like school and work.

I think what this means is that I desperately need to play piano more.

I miss music.

The music is all around you. All you have to do is listen.

August Rush is about a boy who is a musical genius. He doesn't know who doesn't know who his parents are but knows that the music will lead him to them and them to him. He knows that music is their connection, and music is everything. “You know what music is? God`s little reminder that there`s something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, everywhere, even the stars.”

For August Rush, music is everywhere... “Listen. Can you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere...in the wind...in the air...in the light. It`s all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do...is listen.”

Right now, I am listening...and I can hear it. I can hear it in the click of the keys and the hum of my laptop fan. I can hear it in waves from the air conditioner. I can hear it in the rustling of the blinds, in my feet rubbing against the wall. I can hear it in the cars rushing by outside, and the train nearby. I can hear it in the imagined sounds floating on the air.

August said, “Where I've grown up, they tried to stop me from hearing the music. But when I'm alone it builds up from inside me. And I think if I could learn how to play it, they might hear me. They would know I was theirs...and find me.” My situation is slightly different. Where I went to college, they tried to stop me from hearing the music. Three auditions for the music program—my greatest wish—proved a fruitless cause. Their rejection letters told me I didn’t cut it. The faces of the music students told me I was undeserving, that they were the ones who deserved to hear and make music, not me. But when I’m alone, it builds up from inside me. And I think if I could learn how to really play it, to summon it, to embody it, they might hear me. They would know I was theirs...and find me. Who are “they”? Anyone who would know my soul...my dearest friends...my perfect match...anyone to whose life I might bring the gift of music. “They” are more than people who might know me. They are the music themselves...the muses, the rhythms, the notes, the chords, the harmonies...if I could learn how to call it, the music might hear me. It might know I belong to it and find me.

And maybe that has been my problem. August “[believed] in music the way that some people believe in fairy tales.” I lost my wholehearted faith in music to lift me up, to rescue me while troubled, to save me from the difficulties of life and set me free as it always used to. When I failed to qualify for the music program at school, I doubted music and I doubted myself. But as August’s father told him, “You never quit on your music. No matter what happens. Cuz anytime something bad happens to you, that's the one place you can escape to and just let it go. I learned that the hard way. And anyway, look at me. Nothing bad's gonna happen. You gotta have a little faith.” I shouldn’t have doubted music, or even my own ability to make it. I should never have given up on it because anytime something bad happens to me—anytime someone tells me that I shouldn’t try to make music—music is the one place I can escape to and just let it go. I need to have a little faith.

When asked how the music comes to him, August responded, “I just hear it. Sometimes I wake up and it's there...or I hear it when I'm walking down the street. It's like someone's calling out to me. Writing it all down is like I'm calling back to them, the ones who gave me the music.” I haven’t been listening for the music, but I am listening now, and I can hear it. I can feel it, like a rushing in my heart, like waves crashing on the sea, like sunlight radiating inside me. It’s like someone’s calling out to me. I have to find a way to answer back, to channel this gift into a way to call back to them.

“Listen. Can you hear it? The music. I can hear it everywhere...in the wind...in the air...in the light. It`s all around us. All you have to do is open yourself up. All you have to do...is listen.”

I’m listening.

Feelin' Good

You know what? I'm feelin' good. Today is a good day. I've got a few things maybe starting to get figured out in my life, or they at least have the potential to work out soon. I feel like I could do anything today. I'd like to say more, but I think my friend Michael Bublé will have to be the one to give it justice this morning.

"Feeling Good" lyrics

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me

For me

I'm feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good 

You know, it's a good thing you're not a big fat guy or this would be REALLY difficult...

I've been slacking lately on writing, mostly because all day I stare at a computer screen, working with Stata, and when I get home my poor eyes don't want to look at a computer screen. And I don't want to think. Meh.

Anyway. A few random thoughts...

- Playing "Screaming Viking" in a graduate university course is very entertaining, especially when your department chair has to interrupt to investigate because you're all being too loud. For those of you who don't know, this is one of those silly games people play while standing in a circle. Let me know if you want me to explain it to you sometime; it's just not the same in writing.

- BYU is really weird in a lot of ways, as is Provo. Sometimes I really wonder how I ended up here. It's a great school, of course, but the people, the social norms, the way of living, how people's minds work and what they think...pretty weird sometimes.

- Relationships are difficult, occasionally more so when you aren't even in one. People usually say that it can be less stressful and less work when you aren't dating anyone, but I don't know, experience has shown me that sometimes relationships can be better for you because they motivate you with all those healthy endorphins to go out and conquer the world. Plus, you're happy because you have someone to share your life with. Maybe I'll change my opinion on that when I get in another relationship, or maybe not.

- Going shopping can be a great stress reliever, especially if you are with someone who enjoys shopping as you do. You don't even have to buy anything for this to work; you can just walk around, enjoy trying on shoes and looking at clothes, jewelry, makeup, books, sheet music, musical instruments...man, shopping for any of that stuff can be a grand old time.

- Playing the piano and singing...how I wish I had the time to do these things. I try to on Sundays and occasionally on other days, but school and work keep me too busy to play/sing to my heart's content. But whenever I can do so, it is worth it. Music is my heart and my soul; it is my catharsis.

- Graduate school, graduate school...it is very difficult when you aren't really into it. Without the drive to accomplish the degree and pursue higher goals, it is nearly impossible to get anything done.

I could say plenty more, but I am so tired I should probably turn in. At least it's 3 hours later than when I originally wanted to go to bed. Sheesh, I'm lame.

"Ah, how shall I do it? I know! I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...ah ha ha ha ha! I'll smash it with a hammer!"

Goodnight.

The Isle of Inisfree

Music always speaks to me, but this song in particular speaks to me tonight. I hope you like it.

The Isle of Inisfree (as sung by Órla from Celtic Woman)

I've met some folks who say that I'm a dreamer,

And I've no doubt there's truth in what they say,
But sure a body's bound to be a dreamer,
When all the things he loves are far away.
And precious things are dreams unto an exile.
They take him o'er the land across the sea --
Especially when it happens he's an exile,
From that dear lovely Isle of Inisfree.

And when the moonlight peeps across the rooftops,
Of this great city, wondrous though it be,
I scarcely feel its wonder or its laughter...
I'm once again back home in Inisfree.

I wander o'er green hills through dreamy valleys,
And find a peace no other land would know.
I hear the birds make music fit for angels,
And watch the rivers laughing as they flow.
And then into a humble shack I wander --
My dear old home -- and tenderly behold,
The folks I love around the turf fire, gathered.
On bended knees, their rosary is told.

But dreams don't last --
Though dreams are not forgotten --
And soon I'm back to stern reality.
But though they pave the footways here with gold dust,
I still would choose the Isle of Inisfree. 

Don't Stop Believin'

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit

He took the midnight train goin' anywhere...

Okay, I'm not going to quote the whole Journey song to you. Hopefully you recognized it from those lyrics, but if not go listen to it here. Or listen to it on your iPod; you've probably got it somewhere on there. This song is incredible. I probably sound like Mr. Schuester, but I don't care. Journey really came up with a powerful message, beautifully set to a simple yet interesting melody line with awesome, moving accompaniment. I think this song is really inspiring. Cheesy, I know. Whatever. It's a good song! It encourages you to get out there and go places, live life, and don't get discouraged when things don't happen the way you want them to. Life your life full of hope. Some will win, some will lose, but that's never the end; life goes on and on and on and on. We're all searching for happiness and love, and some find it, some don't. If you're one of the unlucky ones, keep on keepin' on, and don't stop believin'! Things will turn out. Even if you don't believe the words to the song, believe the music. Music has the power to speak to our hearts, and the music in this song does exactly that. Get out there, take a chance, live life a little bit. Maybe you'll score, maybe you'll strike out. But if you don't stop believin' and you keep the faith, things will work out. 

Kid In The Front Row Blogathon -- My Favorite Book As A Child

So I read this blog called Kid In The Front Row.  Kid decided to hold a Blogathon today, and I jumped on the opportunity.  After all, since I usually have a hard time coming up with topics on my own, this would give me something to write about.  For this Blogathon, Kid asked us to reread our favorite book from our childhood and then write about it.

I don’t recall my favorite book from when I was a kid, and neither could my mother when I asked her.  I don’t think I even had one; I just liked to read anything and everything.  But when I was in about 6^th or 7^th grade, we read a book in my English class called “A Murder for Her Majesty”, by Beth Hilgartner.  I LOVED this book.  Unfortunately, I could only reread it so many times in the brief period we had them checked out to our class.  Then I had to suffer through not having the book until eventually I forgot about it for a while.  Several years later I remembered the book and how much I loved it, but couldn’t remember the title…then finally in my senior year of college, I remembered the title and author.  I immediately checked it out to reread it and loved it just as much as I had when I was a kid.  Then Kid asked us to reread our favorite childhood book again and share about the experience on the blog, and I welcomed the chance to do so.

A brief description of the book, for your benefit: “A Murder for Her Majesty” is a historical fiction novel set in Elizabethan England.  A girl named Alice Tuckfield witnesses two men murder her father, and she runs away to York, seeking help.  A group of boys finds her wandering the streets, and they decide to “adopt” her.  When they find out she has a beautiful singing voice, they dress her up as a boy called Pup and bring her to sing in the boys choir with them, keeping her true identity a secret so that her father’s murderers won’t be able to find her.  After a while the choir director notices her, and she fashions a male identity to hide under.  She begins taking classes with the boys and private lessons in voice and virginal.  But one of the conspirators to her father’s murder is a priest in the cathedral, and he begins to notice strange things about Pup.  Pup is in increasingly greater danger as Christmastime draws near, but she doesn’t know who to turn to for help.

I don’t want to spoil the ending, so I encourage you to check it out.  (Don't fret. It turns out all right in the end.)  There are many reasons why I loved and still love this book.  It is interesting and exciting, but in a realistic way.  Pup goes through real trials that fill you with the desire to help this poor girl in her difficult situation.  I can’t read it without becoming angry at her enemies for her sake.  The historical fiction is a fairly accurate representation of how the story might have occurred had it actually happened.  It is set in England, where I have always wanted to travel.  It has a boys choir, and those have always fascinated me.  Pup’s emotions are real and relatable, especially as she struggles to deal with the loss of her father and becoming an orphan.  She develops a strong bond to her friends in the boys choir, one where they can have a blast and she can count on them to help her when she’s in danger.  But I think the reason I love it so much is the music.

You see, in this book, Pup is the daughter of a talented musician who writes music for the Queen of England.  Though she keeps her father’s identity a secret, her schoolmasters at the cathedral recognize that she has a gift for music and are amazed at her talents.  Hilgartner puts so much music in this book, describing everything from the note progression to music theory to the wonder and beauty of music that resonates, that fills your heart and soul in such a way that it seems impossible.  It is so beautiful you feel like it will consume you; it is so beautiful it hurts.  Even thinking about it now fills me with wistfulness and longing to be a part of it.  I have loved music all my life; even as a child, I marveled at the miracle of music-making.  And this book reminds me of that.  The book does not play music for me to hear, but I can hear in my heart what Pup hears, what she learns, what she sings.  It is as though I am a part of her and the music.  This book almost makes me wish that I lived in that time, that I could learn about and study music to my heart’s content.

Of course, I know that I am much better off in many ways for my situation in 2011.  Even so, it brings me a sense of joy and fulfillment to go back and reread this book, to feel once again the emotions I felt as a child, to be reminded of the beauty of beautiful melodies and harmonies.  And it makes me think, once again, of my studies and my career.  Music doesn’t pay unless you’re John Williams or Yo-Yo Ma, and if you love something but you can’t make a living with it in this world, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.  So here I am, rereading a book that fueled my original love for music, preparing to go into a completely different field, wishing I could be like Pup and just spend all day every day with music.  I suppose I will have to live vicariously through her...aren't books where you can do that the best books to read?

The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist

I usually don't share very personal things on my blog. I like to keep things to myself, so I rarely talk about my trials and concerns with anybody. But I thought about it and decided, it's my blog. I can write whatever I want on it (whatever I want that I'm willing for other people to read, that is), and you can feel free to read it or ignore it. Also, the way I write may present a different impression about myself than I intend, so just take it with a grain of salt that I am very honest and matter-of-fact about how I see myself and those around me. That being said, I will now write what I intended to write.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a musician. I've been singing almost as long as I've been talking. I have perfect pitch, which enables me to identify the name of any pitch or basic chord upon hearing it. If I had more extensive training in music theory, I am sure I could get to a point at which I could identify any chord upon hearing it, but for now, I can identify them mostly by the pitches included in the chord. I can also do the reverse--if someone asks me to sing a certain pitch, I can do so. I learned that I had this gift when as a child, my sisters and I would sing along with Christine in Phantom of the Opera, and I'd know when they weren't singing the right pitch for her high scream (a double E), while good old Michael Crawford would be singing "Sing for me!" in the background. I've also played the piano since I was small; I remember whipping through the John Thompson piano books on my own when Mom didn't have time to teach me lessons. I would check off the songs that I "passed", or I would have Mom listen and give her approval that I pass them off. Even at that age, I wanted to be a concert pianist when I grew older. When I got into fourth grade, I picked up my sister's old flute and joined the band. The first day of band class, the older students spent the whole time teaching us how to make a sound on our instrument; I'd already figured that out, so I went ahead and learned a few notes. I quickly progressed to the more difficult songs, and went through the entire book within a few weeks. The rest of elementary school band left me impatient for junior high and more difficult music to learn. Of course, when I got to junior high I only had trouble with a few select songs; the rest for me were easy as pie. Meanwhile, I was singing in church regularly, and playing piano all the time. For my brother's missionary homecoming at church, when I was 11 years old, I accompanied my family on a Marvin Goldstein number. I learned to play the Maple Leaf Rag, Jon Schmidt music, and other difficult pieces. One day when I was 12, I sat down and played an old favorite, Für Elise. To shake things up a bit, I decided to figure it out in a different key. I transposed the main theme into another key, then another, then several more. It became a project, and I ended up transposing the entire song into all 12 keys. I played the piano for eight hours that day. Soon my mom found a new teacher for me, Dr. Jungwon Jin, at a nearby university, and there began my professional music study. I also began voice lessons around that time.

My mother began taking me to see performances by prominent LDS musicians such as Marvin Goldstein, Janice Kapp Perry, and Kenneth Cope, and we'd have them sign their music books for us. She also told each of them details about my musical talent, and they'd encourage me to work at it. Once, during a church concert by Marvin Goldstein, he motioned for me to come up and turn his pages for him while he played! Inspired by Brother Goldstein, I began arranging my own music, hymns, other songs, and writing music to perform. I went to the California state level competition for a musical piece I'd written. Every new piano piece that became popular, I learned to play. Movies would come out, and I'd figure out the piano part to the score before the piano books would come out. My parents purchased a beautiful Mason and Hamlin grand piano, which I loved (and still love) to play. I would stay at the keys for hours, practicing away, then head over to practice my flute. In band, it irked me to no end when those around me would consistently miss the same notes or rhythms and the band director never noticed. Sometimes I would turn around and tell the clarinets that they were missing their F#s or ask my friend A to tell the other trumpets that they were missing partials, not because I wanted to seem better than them but because I just wanted the music to sound good. That's all I wanted, and that's all I still want...I just want music to sound beautiful, as it is meant to. High school came, and I joined the marching band and symphonic band. Eventually I also joined the jazz band, where I met my first real struggle--although I loved jazz, I was never very good at jazz piano, likely due to my background training in classical piano. But I kept doing it, and I enjoyed it. I continued performing at school and playing in church. Piano competitions were common at first, but because I started professional lessons so late in life and I was competing with students who had been professionally trained since they were 3 or 4, I rarely placed. Our high school band had some promising talent but weak support, and we never did very well in performances. I was in the high school madrigal choir my senior year, but that program was also weak.

Soon I became discouraged with piano, even though I loved it. In band, I became complacent, because compared to most of the other students in the struggling music program at my high school, I was leaps and bounds ahead. I performed in local and regional honor bands and orchestras to challenge myself, but there wasn't much to be done. I learned to play the alto and tenor saxophones, the clarinet, and the French horn to keep from being bored. When I joined choir, many of the other members were talented, but careless with their talent. They were in it for the fun, while only a few like me wanted more out of the experience. At some point Dr. Jin moved back to Korea for a while, and I began studying piano with a new teacher at the university, Dr. Elvin Rodriguez. He challenged me a lot, but I still struggled. I taught piano lessons throughout high school. I loved band and invested time in 0-period jazz and after school marching band, even though we weren't very good. I enjoyed the time away from home, being with my band friends. I dated another talented musician in the band for much of my high school career, and the time I invested there also pulled me away from personal practice. I joined drumline and played the keyboards; the unfamiliar stress led me to develop cysts on my wrists that I had surgically removed. That, of course, limited my ability to play the piano for a while. I took difficult classes like the rest of my siblings, trying too hard to do too much, and I had less and less time for cultivating my most promising musical talent, piano. I became the drum major for the marching band my senior year, and I quickly fell in love with the idea of being a band conductor. The conflict between my love for conducting and my love for piano made it very difficult to prioritize, and I fell short on both as I tried to keep doing both. I would have done musical theater all my life if we'd had the programs in my schools, but we did not. I loved all things musical and tried to do everything I could, which made it impossible to really perfect any one instrument or voice. 


Nonetheless, soon it became time for me to put my lifelong dream of being a musician into action and apply for the Piano Performance major at the School of Music at BYU. I had been working on a Chopin Scherzo, as well as a Bach Prelude and Fugue and a Beethoven Sonata. I'd worked hard, and I felt confident that I would be accepted into the program. I took the AP Music Theory test my junior year of high school (even though we didn't have the course) and received top marks, and I knew that would help. I also took the Aural Skills exam, which is an exam given to all music school applicants, with tests in interval, chord, and rhythm studies. Everyone else who took it was really scared, because they warned us that most people had to take it twice or more to score a passing score (30 out of 64 was accepted as passing). I took it the one time and got a 62. All things considered, it seemed certain that I would get into the music program at BYU...but I did not. Everyone at home was shocked, including myself--we all thought that I would get in. But I would have to try out again the next year. I went to BYU and picked up a job to help pay for school. I continued to practice piano so that I could audition again for Piano Performance in January (auditions were only once a year). With the help of my parents, I purchased a good quality flute and prepared to also audition for Music Education. Unfortunately, if I wanted to become a band director for a high school or college, I could not audition on piano even though it was my best instrument: if I auditioned on piano for education, I could only teach elementary school music. So I had to prepare both instruments to audition on the same day, because all of the school of music auditions were held on one day, the same day every year. I was very prayerful about what I should do, and felt that auditioning on both would give me more options. I couldn't afford both piano and flute lessons through the school, so I took flute lessons only, hoping that my years of private training on piano would help me perfect the piano pieces I would perform. My ability on flute improved greatly, and I was excited to audition. I changed the pieces I was doing for piano; I dropped the Chopin Scherzo and worked on a Prokofiev Sonata (it was more difficult and more impressive), changed the Bach Prelude and Fugue, and chose another Beethoven Sonata. I worked hard on them. When I auditioned that January, I was fairly certain I had not gotten in on flute (they only had 2 spots available for about 50 applicants), but I was also fairly certain that I had done the best I could for Piano. As self-critical as I was, and knowing that I had done my best, I was sure I would get in, even in spite of the competition...but again, I did not. Three auditions down for the School of Music, and I didn't make any of them. 


At this point I became very discouraged. All I wanted to do with my life was music, but the BYU School of Music wouldn't let me get in! I was mostly done with my GE's by the time I finished my freshman year of college, and I didn't know whether or not I should wait around and audition a fourth time the next January. Even if I got in then, I wouldn't start the program until fall of my junior year, and then I would have four more years of my undergrad ahead of me. I considered transferring to another school, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU. I took piano lessons from one of the faculty members for the Piano Department at BYU that fall, intending to audition the following January. My teacher was extremely hard on me, but not in what I felt was a positive way: he never complimented, never noted my progress, and constantly suggested that I look into studying something else. He told me that if I liked ANYTHING besides music, I should do that instead, because music was so grueling that it had to be your only option or you'd never be happy. Basically, he faked me out into thinking that I wasn't good enough for the music program, I couldn't do it, and I wasn't talented. All my life I had this confidence in my abilities as a musician. I KNEW I was talented. I knew that not because of what other people said, but because as I studied it more and more, I knew how to identify good quality music and I knew that I was able to produce it. But after being rejected three times by the School of Music for the one school at which I really wanted to study music, my confidence became very shaky and then fell apart altogether. I finished the semester of piano lessons because I'd paid for them, but I decided not to audition again. Maybe I should have auditioned on voice, but I didn't. My confidence as a musician was (and still is) completely shot. Instead, I figured I'd find something else to do with my life.


That is how I became a sociology major. I was trying to figure out what I enjoyed and what I could be happy doing with my life, and I decided sociology would be good because I like people and have always been a people person. At that point I didn't have a clear understanding of what sociology is, but I joined the major and went through the program anyway. By the time I graduated last April, I had developed good skills and was good at the subject matter--I got into the Master's program for it, so I knew I had to at least be a decent sociologist. I knew graduate studies would help me with career options later in life, and now I am a sociology Master's student. I think about what I am doing with my life, where I am going, and I really don't know the answers to those questions. I know that having a Master's Degree will open me up to more job opportunities that I might not have if I don't obtain the Master's. I know that what I am doing is a good thing. I know I am good at it. But I don't love it. I like it well enough. I've learned valuable things that will influence many of my relationships throughout my life. But I get out of my classes and the first thing I think is not about how I want to study more about this, but about how I want to take a break from it. My teachers say I need to eat, drink, and sleep sociology, but I don't. I do the bare minimum for my classes. Generally, I try to do well in my classes, not for a love of the subject matter but because from the time I was a child I was taught to do my best in school. But now, when I'm concerned about passing one class in particular, I don't have the drive necessary to work harder. I don't think, "I really love this and it will be so rewarding if I just stick it out." I don't tell myself, "I'm so glad I chose to study sociology and I got into the Master's program." I don't know if I really believe those statements. I just sit here, thinking about how I'm dissatisfied with my life. I'm doing the program because of a myriad of reasons, including my lack of confidence that I could find a decent job that I like with a BS in Sociology, and my memory that when I was a kid, my Dad, who had a Bachelor's Degree, had to go back to school after he was laid off in order to get a good job. I'd rather not have to do that in fifteen or twenty years so that I can get a good job to support my kids. I wouldn't mind going back to gain an education in another field because I enjoy it, but I would rather not have to do so then just so I can get a better job. After I graduated, I looked into getting another Bachelor's in music at a different school, but the schools I researched wouldn't accept students who already had degrees because too many people are going to college now. I am no longer a musician, but a sociologist (and that, only kind of). So here I am, not exactly prostrate with depression about where my life is going, but by no means fulfilling any dream of mine. I'm just...going along, dissatisfied.


I didn't write this with the intention of asking my readers for advice about what to do; I just needed to put it on "paper". But if you have advice or counsel, thoughts, experiences, etc., feel free to share. Like I said, I'm not doing anything important...I'm just sitting here, wondering what it is I'm doing and why I'm doing it...and wondering why I'm not doing something else.