Life Happenings: A Musical Future?

*Note: There are a lot of links to previous blogposts of mine in this post. Feel free to ignore them if you wish, but if you really want to know what's happening in my life and where my heart is, please refresh your memory of or read for the first time the posts I link to. Thanks!

Some of you have never read this blog of mine before. Others have been my readers since the beginning or have come in along the way. Regardless, those of you who know me know my interest in music. I talk about it a lot on this blog...recall some of my previous posts, such as:

Playing air piano
The music is all around you. All you have to do is listen.
A Murder for Her Majesty
The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist

...and plenty more. It is a big part of my life. But til now, I haven't been able to turn my music into a career by which I can support myself and possibly others. My last post was about how I was looking for work and was stressed about my financial future. I mentioned looking for a job in the field of sociology, which I've searched for and had no luck finding. I have also considered writing or teaching writing/English. But most of all, I want a job in music and said that "virtually any music job opportunity would bring me joy."

You may wonder, what has happened with the job search? Nothing that I expected, that's for sure. So many interesting things have happened in the past few months, and I know that those of you who are truly interested in the goings-on in my life either already know about them or will ask me for more details. For the rest of you, I'll kindly summarize. Recently, I made a new friend who graciously granted me the opportunity of working with her, doing SEO writing. It is a job I can do from anywhere and I am so grateful to have it. We have been told by several of our employers that our writing is high in quality and that they think of us first when they need a project done, which is always good news to hear as writers. I thank the Lord and my good friend J for this opportunity to help make ends meet at this complicated time in my life.

In addition, this friend of mine through the Hand of the Lord has granted me another opportunity: to become involved in a grand musical project. Right now there is no income to be had from said project, but if we are able to find the right resources and if we do our best to make things happen, I believe God will allow this to become a positive and profitable experience in many ways for those involved. I have become highly invested in this project, in part due to the hope for a future income in this field but more for the fact that it allows me to do what I truly love. I am so grateful that the Lord has allowed me to become involved in something I love. Sociology was always something I was good at, and it will continue to be a resource for me. If a good sociology job opportunity comes along, I may take it. But sociology was never a love of mine like music is. So for now, I will pursue this musical path I have chosen. I have been able to discover the true meaning of the phrase, "Get a job doing something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." This rarely feels like work to me. Of course it's not a paid job yet, but I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to generate an income as part of a force that will edify and strengthen others through music and other good sources, such as writing, media, etc. Perhaps this project is the beginning of that opportunity for me in my life.

As part of this step in life, I have to relocate back to Utah Valley, and soon. I once wrote that "Utah Valley has been pretty good to me, but I don't feel that it holds anything for me as far as my future goes. So I am looking elsewhere [for where to go in life]." Though I have very mixed feelings on returning to Utah given my mixed experiences there over the past 6 years, apparently I need to give Utah Valley one more chance. Perhaps this time as a non-student, living in the Provo area will grant me a different experience. Maybe I will have a better social and dating life. Who knows? I'll have to see what happens when I get back there. Most of all, I'm very concerned about how I will survive financially when I get there. With student loan payments coming soon, rent payments, probably car insurance and car payments, and normal costs of living, I'm definitely going to struggle. If at all possible I'd like to at least break even every month with the money I make from my SEO job and the bills I have to pay, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I'll have to rely heavily on the Lord for His grace to sustain me. Gotta have the faith and don't stop believin'!

This entry has been long, but yes, that was me summarizing what's been happening in my life. The real story is much more detailed and involves not only J but also KD and A and others.

Music is so much a part of me that I can't ignore it. Music flows from my fingers, it consumes my mind, it roams unchecked from my vocal chords, it is the very air I breathe and the energy that allows me to move. It is here in my heart, and I am listening to it.  I know that music must be a part of my life, and I want it to be. Therefore, I will allow it to direct me into uncharted life territories so that together, music and I can make the most of life. In faith, I know that the Lord will not leave me comfortless or stranded but He will mold me into an instrument in His Hands so that I may contribute good to this world through the talents, gifts, and resources He has given me. I pray that He continues to guide me and all of you in our journeys and that we can always see His Hand leading us to where we need to be.

More than kisses, letters mingle souls; for thus friends absent speak

(Title quote: John Donne)

Getting the mail used to be exciting; you'd open the mailbox and your heart would skip a beat as you pulled out a letter, personally addressed to you. "And none will hear the postman's knock without a quickening of the heart. For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?" (W.H. Auden). Now when I open the mailbox, I find only ads and bills and credit card offers and magazines I don't want and never subscribed to. At least half of them are addressed to former residents of my apartment "or current resident", which is even more annoying. Except for the bills, it's like my mailbox is full of spam emails. Sometimes I wish I could have the mailman filter my mail like I can on gmail, so that ads, credit card offers, magazines, things addressed to other people, etc are automatically deleted and I don't even have to look at them. Of course, I could just keep moving as I have every 8 months or so since I came to college. Whenever I move I stop receiving mail for a while until the credit card companies find me again (they're getting quicker and quicker at finding me, too). But then I don't receive any mail at all, and it's almost better to receive only credit card offers than no mail at all because at least somebody is sending me something. Do you remember getting personal letters in the mailbox?

I miss good old-fashioned letter writing. I'm not talking about parchment with quill and ink and wax seal here, though if I had sealing wax I would use it for everything from post-it notes to letters to papers I turn in for school. Rather, I miss writing a letter on a piece of paper, sticking it in an envelope with a stamp on it, and dropping it off in the mail box to be sent to a friend. "To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart" (Phyllis Theroux). And I miss receiving personal handwritten letters in the mail. Am I alone here? 

There is nothing like getting a handwritten letter. "A letter is a blessing, a great and all-too-rare privilege that can turn a private moment into an exalted experience" (Alexandra Stoddard). There's something very personal about taking the time to write on paper and mail a letter snail mail rather than typing out an email. To make a typed email seem personal you have to talk about personal things, and to really achieve that intimate connection you have to talk about serious, personal issues. But you can write a letter by hand, sharing nothing more intimate than "life is good", and it feels just as personal. Of course, that is not usually how it happens. Usually a handwritten letter contains that personal conversation that we all crave and love, while emails are impersonal, short and to the point. No one wants to read a long email, but everyone wants to read a long letter. 

I understand that email is free and handwritten letters cost 44 cents apiece. That does add up if you want to write on a regular basis. Even so, is it worth the cost? Most of our correspondence has become bland, strictly business, lacking emotional content and personality. Is it worth it? In an email you can only write words and sometimes attach picture or other files for the recipient. In a letter, you can enclose anything you wish, so long as it fits in the envelope. You can press a flower into a book and send it to a person with a letter; no virtual flower brings such a smile. I miss the personality, the warmth and personal nature of letter writing.

"In a man's letters, you know, Madam, his soul lies naked, his letters are only the mirror of his breast, whatever passes within him is shown undisguised in its natural process. Nothing is inverted, nothing distorted, you see systems in their elements, you discover actions in their motives" (Samuel Johnson).

The act of writing is an act of optimism. You would not take the trouble to do it if you felt it didn't matter. -- Edward Albee

I want to write about how much harder it is to speak than to write sometimes, but even the written words won't come for me right now. This is one of those times where if I was using paper and pen instead of a computer, I'd've spent the last hour crumpling up page after page and tossing it over my shoulder. As has been said, "Ink and paper are sometimes passionate lovers, oftentimes brother and sister, and occasionally mortal enemies" (attributed to either Terri Guillemets or Emme Woodhull-Bäche). Even so, I prefer it to speaking, for while they sometimes take their time, the words always come when I'm writing, and they usually don't when I'm speaking.

I've always been better at writing than speaking; the latter is a frustrating mess in which I struggle fruitlessly to come up with the right words at the right moment and I don't make any sense, nor do I share anything I intended to say. Once I met up with a former friend to talk about why we had parted ways; yes, we talked, but when we parted I realized I hadn't said any of the things I'd meant to say. I asked him if he would read a letter from me expressing those unsaid thoughts. I wasn't able to speak the words I wanted to speak, but they flowed comfortably from my pen.

Some say that writing is cowardly, that if you have something to say you should just say it. But "the role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say" (Anaïs Nin). There are always things I want to say, but I don't know how to say them. Those things I am most passionate about are the ones I find most difficult to express through speaking, and even sometimes through writing. Hart Crane said that "One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." Even with my best writing I am never completely satisfied, as there are many things words simply cannot express. But when I have something I want to say, most times I prefer to write it. It is the form through which I communicate best.

Guest Blog: To Blog, To Write.

This guest blog is brought to you by Kid In The Front Row, who had some spare time this weekend and wanted to go on tour with his blogging.  Kid is an anonymous film blogger; check out his blog if you're interested.

Why are we blogging? What the heck are we doing and who is listening? We don't really know what we're doing and most of the time we're convinced nobody is listening.

We're always convinced nobody is listening. We write and we write and we write, and no-one pays attention. Even at the Oscars; it's a day for the movie stars. Nobody remembers the writers. They only started remembering Aaron Sorkin after he had a cocaine habit.

It's strange how we take this as a norm. We know that blogging is uncool before we even start. Yet we still do it. It's like when you tell people you're a writer, you may as well have told them you had a one night stand with a chimpanzee. They think you're insane, or dreaming. This wouldn't be a problem except that society doesn't like the insane or the dreaming. But they're everything.

Where does a blog like "My Amphigory" fit in the world? Right now it might only have 10 readers, or 300 readers. And the most it will ever have might be 5000, or 50,000 -- but do those numbers matter? And who are they mattering to? Isn't it just great to be a human being who manages to type out your thoughts and ideas? It's a magnificent thing, and there are so many people doing it. Yet somehow, it's like we're still part of the uncool club. And we feel like we need to write better, and more often; in order to reach a prize. A prize that we don't even know. More readers? Fame? Understanding? Love?

What would happen if society valued its writers more? What if, when telling someone you're a blogger, they instantly gave you a million dollars and invited you onto a morning TV show? What if everyone found you more attractive because of it and your readership grew to ten million? Would it mean more, or less?

When you ask the questions, you realize how insane it is. All that matters is that we're all out there WRITING. Men, women, transgendered people; straight people, gay people, white people, black people, tall people, short people, disabled people, angry people, optimistic people, confused people, lonely people, boring people. At the end of the day; it's fantastic. The human experience is being inked down across the globe, every single second of every single day. And that's enough.

And thinking like that makes me want to worry less about how good my previous blog post was, or how many people will read the next thing I write. Because it's all just part of the fun of exploring who we are and what we feel.

-- KITFR

Haikus of my life -- I know you want to read them -- I hope you enjoy!

writing a blogpost
ideas are hard to find
I can't think of one

used to be a poet
went to'a university
then I got a life

life is int'resting
sometimes fast-paced, sometimes slow
but always worth it

life can be trying
but to live is happiness
keep your sight on God

school is tiring
research meetings in the morn
nothing to report...

had quite a long day
now I don't make any sense
same as everyday

early wake up call
much work to do tomorrow
I should go to bed

will I or won't I?
tired -- do I have a choice?
goodnight, friends of mine.