Ahh, Provo. It's surprisingly good to be back. I moved back right after Christmas and moved into K and R's place. It wasn't exactly fun at first...I was alone in their house while they were out of town for the holidays, and the temperature hovered around 0 degrees Fahrenheit the entire first week I was there (even in the "heat" of the day). It wasn't THAT bad to deal with, though the cold and terrible air quality made me sick and didn't want to let me breathe. But soon after coming up here, the Lord blessed me greatly. J and I found the perfect place to live! Our Hobbit Hole (perfectly named) is in the basement of a house. The landlord is fabulous; she has provided all the furnishings (including a queen bed for J!) and dishes, and she pays for most of the amenities, including internet for our work. It's really a perfect situation. Our LDS young single adult ward also seems like it will be really good, with a wide range of ages, lots of guys (most of my wards in Provo had an overabundance of girls, so this is a nice change), and a great bishop. Work with my SEO job is continuing as usual with some added blessings. We've gotten a few new clients lately, and one of our clients is absolutely loving the work I produce. That's always nice to hear! I'm also grateful for the new friendships I'm forming, one in particular and others that I'm sure will come as I get to know the people in my ward. The Lord has been so good to me lately! A good place to live, good roommate and friend to live with, good family nearby that are always generous and fun, good friends, good work, good ward...life is good! I'm filled with gratitude for how the Lord has blessed my life. I am excited to see what is in store as my new life continues here. New beginnings! It will be awesome! Kronk out.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Life Happenings: A Musical Future?
*Note: There are a lot of links to previous blogposts of mine in this post. Feel free to ignore them if you wish, but if you really want to know what's happening in my life and where my heart is, please refresh your memory of or read for the first time the posts I link to. Thanks!
Some of you have never read this blog of mine before. Others have been my readers since the beginning or have come in along the way. Regardless, those of you who know me know my interest in music. I talk about it a lot on this blog...recall some of my previous posts, such as:
Playing air piano
The music is all around you. All you have to do is listen.
A Murder for Her Majesty
The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist
...and plenty more. It is a big part of my life. But til now, I haven't been able to turn my music into a career by which I can support myself and possibly others. My last post was about how I was looking for work and was stressed about my financial future. I mentioned looking for a job in the field of sociology, which I've searched for and had no luck finding. I have also considered writing or teaching writing/English. But most of all, I want a job in music and said that "virtually any music job opportunity would bring me joy."
You may wonder, what has happened with the job search? Nothing that I expected, that's for sure. So many interesting things have happened in the past few months, and I know that those of you who are truly interested in the goings-on in my life either already know about them or will ask me for more details. For the rest of you, I'll kindly summarize. Recently, I made a new friend who graciously granted me the opportunity of working with her, doing SEO writing. It is a job I can do from anywhere and I am so grateful to have it. We have been told by several of our employers that our writing is high in quality and that they think of us first when they need a project done, which is always good news to hear as writers. I thank the Lord and my good friend J for this opportunity to help make ends meet at this complicated time in my life.
In addition, this friend of mine through the Hand of the Lord has granted me another opportunity: to become involved in a grand musical project. Right now there is no income to be had from said project, but if we are able to find the right resources and if we do our best to make things happen, I believe God will allow this to become a positive and profitable experience in many ways for those involved. I have become highly invested in this project, in part due to the hope for a future income in this field but more for the fact that it allows me to do what I truly love. I am so grateful that the Lord has allowed me to become involved in something I love. Sociology was always something I was good at, and it will continue to be a resource for me. If a good sociology job opportunity comes along, I may take it. But sociology was never a love of mine like music is. So for now, I will pursue this musical path I have chosen. I have been able to discover the true meaning of the phrase, "Get a job doing something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." This rarely feels like work to me. Of course it's not a paid job yet, but I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to generate an income as part of a force that will edify and strengthen others through music and other good sources, such as writing, media, etc. Perhaps this project is the beginning of that opportunity for me in my life.
As part of this step in life, I have to relocate back to Utah Valley, and soon. I once wrote that "Utah Valley has been pretty good to me, but I don't feel that it holds anything for me as far as my future goes. So I am looking elsewhere [for where to go in life]." Though I have very mixed feelings on returning to Utah given my mixed experiences there over the past 6 years, apparently I need to give Utah Valley one more chance. Perhaps this time as a non-student, living in the Provo area will grant me a different experience. Maybe I will have a better social and dating life. Who knows? I'll have to see what happens when I get back there. Most of all, I'm very concerned about how I will survive financially when I get there. With student loan payments coming soon, rent payments, probably car insurance and car payments, and normal costs of living, I'm definitely going to struggle. If at all possible I'd like to at least break even every month with the money I make from my SEO job and the bills I have to pay, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I'll have to rely heavily on the Lord for His grace to sustain me. Gotta have the faith and don't stop believin'!
This entry has been long, but yes, that was me summarizing what's been happening in my life. The real story is much more detailed and involves not only J but also KD and A and others.
Music is so much a part of me that I can't ignore it. Music flows from my fingers, it consumes my mind, it roams unchecked from my vocal chords, it is the very air I breathe and the energy that allows me to move. It is here in my heart, and I am listening to it. I know that music must be a part of my life, and I want it to be. Therefore, I will allow it to direct me into uncharted life territories so that together, music and I can make the most of life. In faith, I know that the Lord will not leave me comfortless or stranded but He will mold me into an instrument in His Hands so that I may contribute good to this world through the talents, gifts, and resources He has given me. I pray that He continues to guide me and all of you in our journeys and that we can always see His Hand leading us to where we need to be.
Some of you have never read this blog of mine before. Others have been my readers since the beginning or have come in along the way. Regardless, those of you who know me know my interest in music. I talk about it a lot on this blog...recall some of my previous posts, such as:
Playing air piano
The music is all around you. All you have to do is listen.
A Murder for Her Majesty
The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist
...and plenty more. It is a big part of my life. But til now, I haven't been able to turn my music into a career by which I can support myself and possibly others. My last post was about how I was looking for work and was stressed about my financial future. I mentioned looking for a job in the field of sociology, which I've searched for and had no luck finding. I have also considered writing or teaching writing/English. But most of all, I want a job in music and said that "virtually any music job opportunity would bring me joy."
You may wonder, what has happened with the job search? Nothing that I expected, that's for sure. So many interesting things have happened in the past few months, and I know that those of you who are truly interested in the goings-on in my life either already know about them or will ask me for more details. For the rest of you, I'll kindly summarize. Recently, I made a new friend who graciously granted me the opportunity of working with her, doing SEO writing. It is a job I can do from anywhere and I am so grateful to have it. We have been told by several of our employers that our writing is high in quality and that they think of us first when they need a project done, which is always good news to hear as writers. I thank the Lord and my good friend J for this opportunity to help make ends meet at this complicated time in my life.
In addition, this friend of mine through the Hand of the Lord has granted me another opportunity: to become involved in a grand musical project. Right now there is no income to be had from said project, but if we are able to find the right resources and if we do our best to make things happen, I believe God will allow this to become a positive and profitable experience in many ways for those involved. I have become highly invested in this project, in part due to the hope for a future income in this field but more for the fact that it allows me to do what I truly love. I am so grateful that the Lord has allowed me to become involved in something I love. Sociology was always something I was good at, and it will continue to be a resource for me. If a good sociology job opportunity comes along, I may take it. But sociology was never a love of mine like music is. So for now, I will pursue this musical path I have chosen. I have been able to discover the true meaning of the phrase, "Get a job doing something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." This rarely feels like work to me. Of course it's not a paid job yet, but I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to generate an income as part of a force that will edify and strengthen others through music and other good sources, such as writing, media, etc. Perhaps this project is the beginning of that opportunity for me in my life.
As part of this step in life, I have to relocate back to Utah Valley, and soon. I once wrote that "Utah Valley has been pretty good to me, but I don't feel that it holds anything for me as far as my future goes. So I am looking elsewhere [for where to go in life]." Though I have very mixed feelings on returning to Utah given my mixed experiences there over the past 6 years, apparently I need to give Utah Valley one more chance. Perhaps this time as a non-student, living in the Provo area will grant me a different experience. Maybe I will have a better social and dating life. Who knows? I'll have to see what happens when I get back there. Most of all, I'm very concerned about how I will survive financially when I get there. With student loan payments coming soon, rent payments, probably car insurance and car payments, and normal costs of living, I'm definitely going to struggle. If at all possible I'd like to at least break even every month with the money I make from my SEO job and the bills I have to pay, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I'll have to rely heavily on the Lord for His grace to sustain me. Gotta have the faith and don't stop believin'!
This entry has been long, but yes, that was me summarizing what's been happening in my life. The real story is much more detailed and involves not only J but also KD and A and others.
Music is so much a part of me that I can't ignore it. Music flows from my fingers, it consumes my mind, it roams unchecked from my vocal chords, it is the very air I breathe and the energy that allows me to move. It is here in my heart, and I am listening to it. I know that music must be a part of my life, and I want it to be. Therefore, I will allow it to direct me into uncharted life territories so that together, music and I can make the most of life. In faith, I know that the Lord will not leave me comfortless or stranded but He will mold me into an instrument in His Hands so that I may contribute good to this world through the talents, gifts, and resources He has given me. I pray that He continues to guide me and all of you in our journeys and that we can always see His Hand leading us to where we need to be.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Update, shmupdate...life as I know it
After not writing for weeks and weeks..."It is time." (read in the way Rafiki says it as he realizes that Simba is still alive and is the rightful king)
These past weeks/months I've spent mostly working on my thesis, which is now just about done! My defense is scheduled and is in about 2 weeks, so I've just got to figure all that out, prepare my defense presentation, format the paper correctly...I meant to work on the format today, but of course the BYU website isn't working, so I can't look at the form requirements. Ah, well. Then I make any last minute changes, and then I will be finished with my Master's degree. Crazy! Well, not crazy, because I've put in the work necessary for it. Just a little "whoa!" because it's finally happening. Here's to hoping all goes well at the defense.
Last week I got to go visit my brother K and his family, which was really fun. K and S took their youngest daughter on a trip for four days while I took care of their other two children, D and A. D is old enough that he was in school, but A was still at home. She and I played lots of Pretty Pretty Princess and Candyland, watched movies, colored pictures, and more. D showed off his great piano-playing skills (he's going to be really good at it!), and we played more games and what not together. When K and S got back with their daughter K, I got to see how great K is at walking and how sweet she is when she talks (she says "peeeease???" or "please" in the cutest voice when she wants something). I'm very proud of all three of them. It was a good trip.
My other niece, S, turned 6 on Saturday...I missed it because she lives in another state, but I think it's so great that she chose to go to an art museum on her birthday. (What 5- turning 6-year-old wants to do that? She's awesome.) I have so many nieces and nephews (eight with one more on the way!) and I love them all very much. I wish I could see them all regularly, but with my four siblings living in three different states, it is difficult. As it is, I still get to spend a good amount of time with my sisters and their children, since they live close by. We do dinner together every Sunday and it is great to spend time with them. I'm going to miss them when I move away.
That brings me to my next "update"...which isn't really an update at all but more a report of my current state of being. This current state of being is that I have no idea what to do in a couple months. I will be done with school and for the first time in my life, I have no plans. When I graduated high school I applied to a few different schools but knew that if I got into BYU, I wanted to go there to study music. I got in and I came to BYU, but then I auditioned three times for the music program and couldn't seem to get in. I considered going to a different university for music, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU, so I pursued a different field of study. Then when I was finishing my Bachelor's in sociology, I decided that an MS in sociology would help me get a better job than having just the BS, so I went for that degree. Now I'm finishing that and am wide open. I could always go for a PhD, but I think I'm really ready for a break from school. I never wanted a PhD, but I wouldn't say no to it; it's just not something I want to do right now. So now I'm trying to figure out, where do I go from here? There are so many career paths a person with an MS in sociology could pursue and I'm really not sure which one I want to do. As I've said before, I enjoy sociology well enough but am not passionate about it, so I do not necessarily want to fill my life with 40+ hours a week of pure sociology unless it is temporary. Ultimately, in the future I hope to be a full-time mom with a part time job in music or something sociology if necessary for financial reasons. Ideally for now I would like to get a good job with the skills I've developed through my sociology education, one with benefits that will pay well and help me pay off my student loans and save up for bigger life purchases like a car and a home. Unfortunately, I really can't picture myself very easily as a full-time data analyst, researcher, working at human resources, or in other jobs like those. I've always wanted to teach music and can easily see myself doing virtually any music career, but while I can jump right into music as long as I have a place to live and a piano with which to teach (another expensive purchase I'm not quite ready to make), starting out with music wouldn't pay me well for at least a few years. Furthermore, unless I were to work through a music company, I wouldn't have benefits. So it seems best that I procure a steady position with my skills as a sociologist so that I can pay off student loans and save up some money.
In addition to not knowing what I should do after the next few months, I don't know where I should do it. All I know is that I'm ready to leave Utah. One of the reasons I stayed here for my Master's was in hopes that I might find someone to marry. That might sound silly to some but is very normal for an LDS woman like me, now in my mid-20s with many LDS friends who are married with one or two children by the time they're my age. But of course, while many people have met their spouses in Provo, I have not. And while my dating life in Provo was certainly busy until I was 20, it has been pretty much nonexistent ever since then. My hopes of that improving over my 2-year Master's program went tragically unfulfilled. Therefore, I have determined that I should leave Utah, or at least Utah Valley, if I want to find my match. That said, I don't know where to go to find him. What's more is that I don't even know if I will find him. It's possible I won't be married for ten or fifteen years yet, or that I will never marry in this life. I certainly don't know, but of course I'm hoping that wherever I go from here will be the place where I meet him. Unfortunately, as I've been praying about it, I haven't felt any strong, clear promptings about going to a certain place, so apparently the Lord is telling me it isn't time yet or He is leaving it up to me to choose where to go. And with choosing for myself, I don't really have in mind a specific place where I would like to settle down to guide me in my search for where to live. I think I could be happy any number of places around the country. So it looks like I'm just going to have to choose something...any suggestions on where to go or what job to look for?
Well, there you have it: I am finally finishing my Master's degree, enjoying family, and trying to figure out where to go and what to do next. If you have any suggestions or advice for me, please share! Thanks for reading, and Happy Memorial Day. Remember those who have given their lives while serving our country.
These past weeks/months I've spent mostly working on my thesis, which is now just about done! My defense is scheduled and is in about 2 weeks, so I've just got to figure all that out, prepare my defense presentation, format the paper correctly...I meant to work on the format today, but of course the BYU website isn't working, so I can't look at the form requirements. Ah, well. Then I make any last minute changes, and then I will be finished with my Master's degree. Crazy! Well, not crazy, because I've put in the work necessary for it. Just a little "whoa!" because it's finally happening. Here's to hoping all goes well at the defense.
Last week I got to go visit my brother K and his family, which was really fun. K and S took their youngest daughter on a trip for four days while I took care of their other two children, D and A. D is old enough that he was in school, but A was still at home. She and I played lots of Pretty Pretty Princess and Candyland, watched movies, colored pictures, and more. D showed off his great piano-playing skills (he's going to be really good at it!), and we played more games and what not together. When K and S got back with their daughter K, I got to see how great K is at walking and how sweet she is when she talks (she says "peeeease???" or "please" in the cutest voice when she wants something). I'm very proud of all three of them. It was a good trip.
My other niece, S, turned 6 on Saturday...I missed it because she lives in another state, but I think it's so great that she chose to go to an art museum on her birthday. (What 5- turning 6-year-old wants to do that? She's awesome.) I have so many nieces and nephews (eight with one more on the way!) and I love them all very much. I wish I could see them all regularly, but with my four siblings living in three different states, it is difficult. As it is, I still get to spend a good amount of time with my sisters and their children, since they live close by. We do dinner together every Sunday and it is great to spend time with them. I'm going to miss them when I move away.
That brings me to my next "update"...which isn't really an update at all but more a report of my current state of being. This current state of being is that I have no idea what to do in a couple months. I will be done with school and for the first time in my life, I have no plans. When I graduated high school I applied to a few different schools but knew that if I got into BYU, I wanted to go there to study music. I got in and I came to BYU, but then I auditioned three times for the music program and couldn't seem to get in. I considered going to a different university for music, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU, so I pursued a different field of study. Then when I was finishing my Bachelor's in sociology, I decided that an MS in sociology would help me get a better job than having just the BS, so I went for that degree. Now I'm finishing that and am wide open. I could always go for a PhD, but I think I'm really ready for a break from school. I never wanted a PhD, but I wouldn't say no to it; it's just not something I want to do right now. So now I'm trying to figure out, where do I go from here? There are so many career paths a person with an MS in sociology could pursue and I'm really not sure which one I want to do. As I've said before, I enjoy sociology well enough but am not passionate about it, so I do not necessarily want to fill my life with 40+ hours a week of pure sociology unless it is temporary. Ultimately, in the future I hope to be a full-time mom with a part time job in music or something sociology if necessary for financial reasons. Ideally for now I would like to get a good job with the skills I've developed through my sociology education, one with benefits that will pay well and help me pay off my student loans and save up for bigger life purchases like a car and a home. Unfortunately, I really can't picture myself very easily as a full-time data analyst, researcher, working at human resources, or in other jobs like those. I've always wanted to teach music and can easily see myself doing virtually any music career, but while I can jump right into music as long as I have a place to live and a piano with which to teach (another expensive purchase I'm not quite ready to make), starting out with music wouldn't pay me well for at least a few years. Furthermore, unless I were to work through a music company, I wouldn't have benefits. So it seems best that I procure a steady position with my skills as a sociologist so that I can pay off student loans and save up some money.
In addition to not knowing what I should do after the next few months, I don't know where I should do it. All I know is that I'm ready to leave Utah. One of the reasons I stayed here for my Master's was in hopes that I might find someone to marry. That might sound silly to some but is very normal for an LDS woman like me, now in my mid-20s with many LDS friends who are married with one or two children by the time they're my age. But of course, while many people have met their spouses in Provo, I have not. And while my dating life in Provo was certainly busy until I was 20, it has been pretty much nonexistent ever since then. My hopes of that improving over my 2-year Master's program went tragically unfulfilled. Therefore, I have determined that I should leave Utah, or at least Utah Valley, if I want to find my match. That said, I don't know where to go to find him. What's more is that I don't even know if I will find him. It's possible I won't be married for ten or fifteen years yet, or that I will never marry in this life. I certainly don't know, but of course I'm hoping that wherever I go from here will be the place where I meet him. Unfortunately, as I've been praying about it, I haven't felt any strong, clear promptings about going to a certain place, so apparently the Lord is telling me it isn't time yet or He is leaving it up to me to choose where to go. And with choosing for myself, I don't really have in mind a specific place where I would like to settle down to guide me in my search for where to live. I think I could be happy any number of places around the country. So it looks like I'm just going to have to choose something...any suggestions on where to go or what job to look for?
Well, there you have it: I am finally finishing my Master's degree, enjoying family, and trying to figure out where to go and what to do next. If you have any suggestions or advice for me, please share! Thanks for reading, and Happy Memorial Day. Remember those who have given their lives while serving our country.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"If you want to be happy, be." -- Leo Tolstoy
I'm told I can be annoyingly optimistic at times, because I always try to turn a situation into a good thing if I can. Why? Because life isn't worth it otherwise! If you're going to be negative and cynical about everything, then you will not be happy. Maybe you get some sort of sick pleasure from being pessimistic or depressed, or some weird satisfaction, but that cannot and will not last. If you want to enjoy life, really enjoy it so much that your heart is light and a smile comes easily to your face, you've GOTTA let things go and look on the bright side of every situation.
That's just how I see it. Life is much more enjoyable that way. Anecdote time: One time when I was in France, a train strike in Nice made it so that I couldn't get from Nice to Paris and then from Paris to London, where I was supposed to fly back to the States the next day. The attendant said only, "There's a strike. You'll have to go to Paris tomorrow." So I spent the next several hours trying to find suitable transportation to London that day so that I could fly back to the States the next day. I was able to get a flight, luckily, but that silly train strike had cost me about $330 USD. As a starving college student, that's a lot of money! But hey, I was in France! I got to spend a little more time with my friend P (who I was leaving behind in Nice), and I didn't have to spend 8 or more hours on a train...which I wouldn't have minded anyway, for that matter. Rather than mope or rage about how those jerky train attendants were on strike for the day, I looked for the positive side. At least I was able to get a flight out and didn't have to spend $600 or more on another flight from Europe back to the U.S.! Now I can remember that experience as one that was expensive, but whatever...I don't laugh about it (there's not really anything funny about it), but I am indifferent to it instead of bitter or angry.
This is not completely random; there was something that inspired this post. I've been thinking about a couple of my friends who have been rather negative lately, but the trigger was something else. This morning on facebook, one of my facebook friends had written for his status, "On the bright side, my wicked cough is giving me chiseled abs..." Talk about seeing the good no matter what! I think in that case, if I wanted to be positive about it, I'd be grateful that I was getting rid of all the grossness from my lungs and happy that it meant I was almost done with being sick. But thinking about how your cough will give you chiseled abs? Now that's looking for the positive. As recorded in "The Secret Room", a woman in a Holocaust Concentration camp was grateful even for the fleas: they were so thick in their work area that the guards wouldn't go out there to beat and force the women to be silent, so she was able to have limited conversations with the other women.
While most of us won't have to go through something as difficult and oppressive as that, we can learn from Corrie ten Boom and be grateful for the fleas, or even from my facebook friend and be grateful for a cough. Life's too short to spend it being miserable anyway. Let's smile and laugh our way through, shall we?
That's just how I see it. Life is much more enjoyable that way. Anecdote time: One time when I was in France, a train strike in Nice made it so that I couldn't get from Nice to Paris and then from Paris to London, where I was supposed to fly back to the States the next day. The attendant said only, "There's a strike. You'll have to go to Paris tomorrow." So I spent the next several hours trying to find suitable transportation to London that day so that I could fly back to the States the next day. I was able to get a flight, luckily, but that silly train strike had cost me about $330 USD. As a starving college student, that's a lot of money! But hey, I was in France! I got to spend a little more time with my friend P (who I was leaving behind in Nice), and I didn't have to spend 8 or more hours on a train...which I wouldn't have minded anyway, for that matter. Rather than mope or rage about how those jerky train attendants were on strike for the day, I looked for the positive side. At least I was able to get a flight out and didn't have to spend $600 or more on another flight from Europe back to the U.S.! Now I can remember that experience as one that was expensive, but whatever...I don't laugh about it (there's not really anything funny about it), but I am indifferent to it instead of bitter or angry.
This is not completely random; there was something that inspired this post. I've been thinking about a couple of my friends who have been rather negative lately, but the trigger was something else. This morning on facebook, one of my facebook friends had written for his status, "On the bright side, my wicked cough is giving me chiseled abs..." Talk about seeing the good no matter what! I think in that case, if I wanted to be positive about it, I'd be grateful that I was getting rid of all the grossness from my lungs and happy that it meant I was almost done with being sick. But thinking about how your cough will give you chiseled abs? Now that's looking for the positive. As recorded in "The Secret Room", a woman in a Holocaust Concentration camp was grateful even for the fleas: they were so thick in their work area that the guards wouldn't go out there to beat and force the women to be silent, so she was able to have limited conversations with the other women.
While most of us won't have to go through something as difficult and oppressive as that, we can learn from Corrie ten Boom and be grateful for the fleas, or even from my facebook friend and be grateful for a cough. Life's too short to spend it being miserable anyway. Let's smile and laugh our way through, shall we?
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Wisdom of the Wizard: Albus Dumbledore
"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." - What do we choose in life? What do we pursue? What do we want, and how do we show that to those around us? What do we choose?
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." - How have we changed since we were small? Have we become better people? Have we grown into ourselves, or grown away from ourselves? Who are we now?
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - Are we living life? Do we brood over dreams or unfulfilled wishes? Do we go out to conquer the world or wait for it to hand us our desires? How do we live?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Don't Stop Believin'
Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere...
Okay, I'm not going to quote the whole Journey song to you. Hopefully you recognized it from those lyrics, but if not go listen to it here. Or listen to it on your iPod; you've probably got it somewhere on there. This song is incredible. I probably sound like Mr. Schuester, but I don't care. Journey really came up with a powerful message, beautifully set to a simple yet interesting melody line with awesome, moving accompaniment. I think this song is really inspiring. Cheesy, I know. Whatever. It's a good song! It encourages you to get out there and go places, live life, and don't get discouraged when things don't happen the way you want them to. Life your life full of hope. Some will win, some will lose, but that's never the end; life goes on and on and on and on. We're all searching for happiness and love, and some find it, some don't. If you're one of the unlucky ones, keep on keepin' on, and don't stop believin'! Things will turn out. Even if you don't believe the words to the song, believe the music. Music has the power to speak to our hearts, and the music in this song does exactly that. Get out there, take a chance, live life a little bit. Maybe you'll score, maybe you'll strike out. But if you don't stop believin' and you keep the faith, things will work out.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Haikus of my life -- I know you want to read them -- I hope you enjoy!
writing a blogpost
ideas are hard to find
I can't think of one
used to be a poet
went to'a university
then I got a life
life is int'resting
sometimes fast-paced, sometimes slow
but always worth it
life can be trying
but to live is happiness
keep your sight on God
school is tiring
research meetings in the morn
nothing to report...
had quite a long day
now I don't make any sense
same as everyday
early wake up call
much work to do tomorrow
I should go to bed
will I or won't I?
tired -- do I have a choice?
goodnight, friends of mine.
ideas are hard to find
I can't think of one
used to be a poet
went to'a university
then I got a life
life is int'resting
sometimes fast-paced, sometimes slow
but always worth it
life can be trying
but to live is happiness
keep your sight on God
school is tiring
research meetings in the morn
nothing to report...
had quite a long day
now I don't make any sense
same as everyday
early wake up call
much work to do tomorrow
I should go to bed
will I or won't I?
tired -- do I have a choice?
goodnight, friends of mine.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist
I usually don't share very personal things on my blog. I like to keep things to myself, so I rarely talk about my trials and concerns with anybody. But I thought about it and decided, it's my blog. I can write whatever I want on it (whatever I want that I'm willing for other people to read, that is), and you can feel free to read it or ignore it. Also, the way I write may present a different impression about myself than I intend, so just take it with a grain of salt that I am very honest and matter-of-fact about how I see myself and those around me. That being said, I will now write what I intended to write.
For as long as I can remember, I have been a musician. I've been singing almost as long as I've been talking. I have perfect pitch, which enables me to identify the name of any pitch or basic chord upon hearing it. If I had more extensive training in music theory, I am sure I could get to a point at which I could identify any chord upon hearing it, but for now, I can identify them mostly by the pitches included in the chord. I can also do the reverse--if someone asks me to sing a certain pitch, I can do so. I learned that I had this gift when as a child, my sisters and I would sing along with Christine in Phantom of the Opera, and I'd know when they weren't singing the right pitch for her high scream (a double E), while good old Michael Crawford would be singing "Sing for me!" in the background. I've also played the piano since I was small; I remember whipping through the John Thompson piano books on my own when Mom didn't have time to teach me lessons. I would check off the songs that I "passed", or I would have Mom listen and give her approval that I pass them off. Even at that age, I wanted to be a concert pianist when I grew older. When I got into fourth grade, I picked up my sister's old flute and joined the band. The first day of band class, the older students spent the whole time teaching us how to make a sound on our instrument; I'd already figured that out, so I went ahead and learned a few notes. I quickly progressed to the more difficult songs, and went through the entire book within a few weeks. The rest of elementary school band left me impatient for junior high and more difficult music to learn. Of course, when I got to junior high I only had trouble with a few select songs; the rest for me were easy as pie. Meanwhile, I was singing in church regularly, and playing piano all the time. For my brother's missionary homecoming at church, when I was 11 years old, I accompanied my family on a Marvin Goldstein number. I learned to play the Maple Leaf Rag, Jon Schmidt music, and other difficult pieces. One day when I was 12, I sat down and played an old favorite, Für Elise. To shake things up a bit, I decided to figure it out in a different key. I transposed the main theme into another key, then another, then several more. It became a project, and I ended up transposing the entire song into all 12 keys. I played the piano for eight hours that day. Soon my mom found a new teacher for me, Dr. Jungwon Jin, at a nearby university, and there began my professional music study. I also began voice lessons around that time.
My mother began taking me to see performances by prominent LDS musicians such as Marvin Goldstein, Janice Kapp Perry, and Kenneth Cope, and we'd have them sign their music books for us. She also told each of them details about my musical talent, and they'd encourage me to work at it. Once, during a church concert by Marvin Goldstein, he motioned for me to come up and turn his pages for him while he played! Inspired by Brother Goldstein, I began arranging my own music, hymns, other songs, and writing music to perform. I went to the California state level competition for a musical piece I'd written. Every new piano piece that became popular, I learned to play. Movies would come out, and I'd figure out the piano part to the score before the piano books would come out. My parents purchased a beautiful Mason and Hamlin grand piano, which I loved (and still love) to play. I would stay at the keys for hours, practicing away, then head over to practice my flute. In band, it irked me to no end when those around me would consistently miss the same notes or rhythms and the band director never noticed. Sometimes I would turn around and tell the clarinets that they were missing their F#s or ask my friend A to tell the other trumpets that they were missing partials, not because I wanted to seem better than them but because I just wanted the music to sound good. That's all I wanted, and that's all I still want...I just want music to sound beautiful, as it is meant to. High school came, and I joined the marching band and symphonic band. Eventually I also joined the jazz band, where I met my first real struggle--although I loved jazz, I was never very good at jazz piano, likely due to my background training in classical piano. But I kept doing it, and I enjoyed it. I continued performing at school and playing in church. Piano competitions were common at first, but because I started professional lessons so late in life and I was competing with students who had been professionally trained since they were 3 or 4, I rarely placed. Our high school band had some promising talent but weak support, and we never did very well in performances. I was in the high school madrigal choir my senior year, but that program was also weak.
Soon I became discouraged with piano, even though I loved it. In band, I became complacent, because compared to most of the other students in the struggling music program at my high school, I was leaps and bounds ahead. I performed in local and regional honor bands and orchestras to challenge myself, but there wasn't much to be done. I learned to play the alto and tenor saxophones, the clarinet, and the French horn to keep from being bored. When I joined choir, many of the other members were talented, but careless with their talent. They were in it for the fun, while only a few like me wanted more out of the experience. At some point Dr. Jin moved back to Korea for a while, and I began studying piano with a new teacher at the university, Dr. Elvin Rodriguez. He challenged me a lot, but I still struggled. I taught piano lessons throughout high school. I loved band and invested time in 0-period jazz and after school marching band, even though we weren't very good. I enjoyed the time away from home, being with my band friends. I dated another talented musician in the band for much of my high school career, and the time I invested there also pulled me away from personal practice. I joined drumline and played the keyboards; the unfamiliar stress led me to develop cysts on my wrists that I had surgically removed. That, of course, limited my ability to play the piano for a while. I took difficult classes like the rest of my siblings, trying too hard to do too much, and I had less and less time for cultivating my most promising musical talent, piano. I became the drum major for the marching band my senior year, and I quickly fell in love with the idea of being a band conductor. The conflict between my love for conducting and my love for piano made it very difficult to prioritize, and I fell short on both as I tried to keep doing both. I would have done musical theater all my life if we'd had the programs in my schools, but we did not. I loved all things musical and tried to do everything I could, which made it impossible to really perfect any one instrument or voice.
Nonetheless, soon it became time for me to put my lifelong dream of being a musician into action and apply for the Piano Performance major at the School of Music at BYU. I had been working on a Chopin Scherzo, as well as a Bach Prelude and Fugue and a Beethoven Sonata. I'd worked hard, and I felt confident that I would be accepted into the program. I took the AP Music Theory test my junior year of high school (even though we didn't have the course) and received top marks, and I knew that would help. I also took the Aural Skills exam, which is an exam given to all music school applicants, with tests in interval, chord, and rhythm studies. Everyone else who took it was really scared, because they warned us that most people had to take it twice or more to score a passing score (30 out of 64 was accepted as passing). I took it the one time and got a 62. All things considered, it seemed certain that I would get into the music program at BYU...but I did not. Everyone at home was shocked, including myself--we all thought that I would get in. But I would have to try out again the next year. I went to BYU and picked up a job to help pay for school. I continued to practice piano so that I could audition again for Piano Performance in January (auditions were only once a year). With the help of my parents, I purchased a good quality flute and prepared to also audition for Music Education. Unfortunately, if I wanted to become a band director for a high school or college, I could not audition on piano even though it was my best instrument: if I auditioned on piano for education, I could only teach elementary school music. So I had to prepare both instruments to audition on the same day, because all of the school of music auditions were held on one day, the same day every year. I was very prayerful about what I should do, and felt that auditioning on both would give me more options. I couldn't afford both piano and flute lessons through the school, so I took flute lessons only, hoping that my years of private training on piano would help me perfect the piano pieces I would perform. My ability on flute improved greatly, and I was excited to audition. I changed the pieces I was doing for piano; I dropped the Chopin Scherzo and worked on a Prokofiev Sonata (it was more difficult and more impressive), changed the Bach Prelude and Fugue, and chose another Beethoven Sonata. I worked hard on them. When I auditioned that January, I was fairly certain I had not gotten in on flute (they only had 2 spots available for about 50 applicants), but I was also fairly certain that I had done the best I could for Piano. As self-critical as I was, and knowing that I had done my best, I was sure I would get in, even in spite of the competition...but again, I did not. Three auditions down for the School of Music, and I didn't make any of them.
At this point I became very discouraged. All I wanted to do with my life was music, but the BYU School of Music wouldn't let me get in! I was mostly done with my GE's by the time I finished my freshman year of college, and I didn't know whether or not I should wait around and audition a fourth time the next January. Even if I got in then, I wouldn't start the program until fall of my junior year, and then I would have four more years of my undergrad ahead of me. I considered transferring to another school, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU. I took piano lessons from one of the faculty members for the Piano Department at BYU that fall, intending to audition the following January. My teacher was extremely hard on me, but not in what I felt was a positive way: he never complimented, never noted my progress, and constantly suggested that I look into studying something else. He told me that if I liked ANYTHING besides music, I should do that instead, because music was so grueling that it had to be your only option or you'd never be happy. Basically, he faked me out into thinking that I wasn't good enough for the music program, I couldn't do it, and I wasn't talented. All my life I had this confidence in my abilities as a musician. I KNEW I was talented. I knew that not because of what other people said, but because as I studied it more and more, I knew how to identify good quality music and I knew that I was able to produce it. But after being rejected three times by the School of Music for the one school at which I really wanted to study music, my confidence became very shaky and then fell apart altogether. I finished the semester of piano lessons because I'd paid for them, but I decided not to audition again. Maybe I should have auditioned on voice, but I didn't. My confidence as a musician was (and still is) completely shot. Instead, I figured I'd find something else to do with my life.
That is how I became a sociology major. I was trying to figure out what I enjoyed and what I could be happy doing with my life, and I decided sociology would be good because I like people and have always been a people person. At that point I didn't have a clear understanding of what sociology is, but I joined the major and went through the program anyway. By the time I graduated last April, I had developed good skills and was good at the subject matter--I got into the Master's program for it, so I knew I had to at least be a decent sociologist. I knew graduate studies would help me with career options later in life, and now I am a sociology Master's student. I think about what I am doing with my life, where I am going, and I really don't know the answers to those questions. I know that having a Master's Degree will open me up to more job opportunities that I might not have if I don't obtain the Master's. I know that what I am doing is a good thing. I know I am good at it. But I don't love it. I like it well enough. I've learned valuable things that will influence many of my relationships throughout my life. But I get out of my classes and the first thing I think is not about how I want to study more about this, but about how I want to take a break from it. My teachers say I need to eat, drink, and sleep sociology, but I don't. I do the bare minimum for my classes. Generally, I try to do well in my classes, not for a love of the subject matter but because from the time I was a child I was taught to do my best in school. But now, when I'm concerned about passing one class in particular, I don't have the drive necessary to work harder. I don't think, "I really love this and it will be so rewarding if I just stick it out." I don't tell myself, "I'm so glad I chose to study sociology and I got into the Master's program." I don't know if I really believe those statements. I just sit here, thinking about how I'm dissatisfied with my life. I'm doing the program because of a myriad of reasons, including my lack of confidence that I could find a decent job that I like with a BS in Sociology, and my memory that when I was a kid, my Dad, who had a Bachelor's Degree, had to go back to school after he was laid off in order to get a good job. I'd rather not have to do that in fifteen or twenty years so that I can get a good job to support my kids. I wouldn't mind going back to gain an education in another field because I enjoy it, but I would rather not have to do so then just so I can get a better job. After I graduated, I looked into getting another Bachelor's in music at a different school, but the schools I researched wouldn't accept students who already had degrees because too many people are going to college now. I am no longer a musician, but a sociologist (and that, only kind of). So here I am, not exactly prostrate with depression about where my life is going, but by no means fulfilling any dream of mine. I'm just...going along, dissatisfied.
I didn't write this with the intention of asking my readers for advice about what to do; I just needed to put it on "paper". But if you have advice or counsel, thoughts, experiences, etc., feel free to share. Like I said, I'm not doing anything important...I'm just sitting here, wondering what it is I'm doing and why I'm doing it...and wondering why I'm not doing something else.
Nonetheless, soon it became time for me to put my lifelong dream of being a musician into action and apply for the Piano Performance major at the School of Music at BYU. I had been working on a Chopin Scherzo, as well as a Bach Prelude and Fugue and a Beethoven Sonata. I'd worked hard, and I felt confident that I would be accepted into the program. I took the AP Music Theory test my junior year of high school (even though we didn't have the course) and received top marks, and I knew that would help. I also took the Aural Skills exam, which is an exam given to all music school applicants, with tests in interval, chord, and rhythm studies. Everyone else who took it was really scared, because they warned us that most people had to take it twice or more to score a passing score (30 out of 64 was accepted as passing). I took it the one time and got a 62. All things considered, it seemed certain that I would get into the music program at BYU...but I did not. Everyone at home was shocked, including myself--we all thought that I would get in. But I would have to try out again the next year. I went to BYU and picked up a job to help pay for school. I continued to practice piano so that I could audition again for Piano Performance in January (auditions were only once a year). With the help of my parents, I purchased a good quality flute and prepared to also audition for Music Education. Unfortunately, if I wanted to become a band director for a high school or college, I could not audition on piano even though it was my best instrument: if I auditioned on piano for education, I could only teach elementary school music. So I had to prepare both instruments to audition on the same day, because all of the school of music auditions were held on one day, the same day every year. I was very prayerful about what I should do, and felt that auditioning on both would give me more options. I couldn't afford both piano and flute lessons through the school, so I took flute lessons only, hoping that my years of private training on piano would help me perfect the piano pieces I would perform. My ability on flute improved greatly, and I was excited to audition. I changed the pieces I was doing for piano; I dropped the Chopin Scherzo and worked on a Prokofiev Sonata (it was more difficult and more impressive), changed the Bach Prelude and Fugue, and chose another Beethoven Sonata. I worked hard on them. When I auditioned that January, I was fairly certain I had not gotten in on flute (they only had 2 spots available for about 50 applicants), but I was also fairly certain that I had done the best I could for Piano. As self-critical as I was, and knowing that I had done my best, I was sure I would get in, even in spite of the competition...but again, I did not. Three auditions down for the School of Music, and I didn't make any of them.
At this point I became very discouraged. All I wanted to do with my life was music, but the BYU School of Music wouldn't let me get in! I was mostly done with my GE's by the time I finished my freshman year of college, and I didn't know whether or not I should wait around and audition a fourth time the next January. Even if I got in then, I wouldn't start the program until fall of my junior year, and then I would have four more years of my undergrad ahead of me. I considered transferring to another school, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU. I took piano lessons from one of the faculty members for the Piano Department at BYU that fall, intending to audition the following January. My teacher was extremely hard on me, but not in what I felt was a positive way: he never complimented, never noted my progress, and constantly suggested that I look into studying something else. He told me that if I liked ANYTHING besides music, I should do that instead, because music was so grueling that it had to be your only option or you'd never be happy. Basically, he faked me out into thinking that I wasn't good enough for the music program, I couldn't do it, and I wasn't talented. All my life I had this confidence in my abilities as a musician. I KNEW I was talented. I knew that not because of what other people said, but because as I studied it more and more, I knew how to identify good quality music and I knew that I was able to produce it. But after being rejected three times by the School of Music for the one school at which I really wanted to study music, my confidence became very shaky and then fell apart altogether. I finished the semester of piano lessons because I'd paid for them, but I decided not to audition again. Maybe I should have auditioned on voice, but I didn't. My confidence as a musician was (and still is) completely shot. Instead, I figured I'd find something else to do with my life.
That is how I became a sociology major. I was trying to figure out what I enjoyed and what I could be happy doing with my life, and I decided sociology would be good because I like people and have always been a people person. At that point I didn't have a clear understanding of what sociology is, but I joined the major and went through the program anyway. By the time I graduated last April, I had developed good skills and was good at the subject matter--I got into the Master's program for it, so I knew I had to at least be a decent sociologist. I knew graduate studies would help me with career options later in life, and now I am a sociology Master's student. I think about what I am doing with my life, where I am going, and I really don't know the answers to those questions. I know that having a Master's Degree will open me up to more job opportunities that I might not have if I don't obtain the Master's. I know that what I am doing is a good thing. I know I am good at it. But I don't love it. I like it well enough. I've learned valuable things that will influence many of my relationships throughout my life. But I get out of my classes and the first thing I think is not about how I want to study more about this, but about how I want to take a break from it. My teachers say I need to eat, drink, and sleep sociology, but I don't. I do the bare minimum for my classes. Generally, I try to do well in my classes, not for a love of the subject matter but because from the time I was a child I was taught to do my best in school. But now, when I'm concerned about passing one class in particular, I don't have the drive necessary to work harder. I don't think, "I really love this and it will be so rewarding if I just stick it out." I don't tell myself, "I'm so glad I chose to study sociology and I got into the Master's program." I don't know if I really believe those statements. I just sit here, thinking about how I'm dissatisfied with my life. I'm doing the program because of a myriad of reasons, including my lack of confidence that I could find a decent job that I like with a BS in Sociology, and my memory that when I was a kid, my Dad, who had a Bachelor's Degree, had to go back to school after he was laid off in order to get a good job. I'd rather not have to do that in fifteen or twenty years so that I can get a good job to support my kids. I wouldn't mind going back to gain an education in another field because I enjoy it, but I would rather not have to do so then just so I can get a better job. After I graduated, I looked into getting another Bachelor's in music at a different school, but the schools I researched wouldn't accept students who already had degrees because too many people are going to college now. I am no longer a musician, but a sociologist (and that, only kind of). So here I am, not exactly prostrate with depression about where my life is going, but by no means fulfilling any dream of mine. I'm just...going along, dissatisfied.
I didn't write this with the intention of asking my readers for advice about what to do; I just needed to put it on "paper". But if you have advice or counsel, thoughts, experiences, etc., feel free to share. Like I said, I'm not doing anything important...I'm just sitting here, wondering what it is I'm doing and why I'm doing it...and wondering why I'm not doing something else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)