I want to write about how much harder it is to speak than to write sometimes, but even the written words won't come for me right now. This is one of those times where if I was using paper and pen instead of a computer, I'd've spent the last hour crumpling up page after page and tossing it over my shoulder. As has been said, "Ink and paper are sometimes passionate lovers, oftentimes brother and sister, and occasionally mortal enemies" (attributed to either Terri Guillemets or Emme Woodhull-Bäche). Even so, I prefer it to speaking, for while they sometimes take their time, the words always come when I'm writing, and they usually don't when I'm speaking.
I've always been better at writing than speaking; the latter is a frustrating mess in which I struggle fruitlessly to come up with the right words at the right moment and I don't make any sense, nor do I share anything I intended to say. Once I met up with a former friend to talk about why we had parted ways; yes, we talked, but when we parted I realized I hadn't said any of the things I'd meant to say. I asked him if he would read a letter from me expressing those unsaid thoughts. I wasn't able to speak the words I wanted to speak, but they flowed comfortably from my pen.
Some say that writing is cowardly, that if you have something to say you should just say it. But "the role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say" (Anaïs Nin). There are always things I want to say, but I don't know how to say them. Those things I am most passionate about are the ones I find most difficult to express through speaking, and even sometimes through writing. Hart Crane said that "One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment." Even with my best writing I am never completely satisfied, as there are many things words simply cannot express. But when I have something I want to say, most times I prefer to write it. It is the form through which I communicate best.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Just an update. Routine procedure.
Wow, longest break between blogposts for me this year! Sorry, I have been really busy...so how about an update?
PSA went really well, and Seattle was just great. I'm so glad PSA is over but I'm also glad I went. It was good for me. Not to mention all the really good food I ate there...a sourdough smoked salmon bacon clubhouse sandwich, Manhattan clam chowder bread bowl, amazing pennoni pasta with chicken and vodka cream sauce, French food including an excellent spinach pastry, Starbucks hot chocolate (there really is a Starbucks on every corner, for those of you who have never been to Seattle), Cheesecake factory, and more...oh man. Good stuff. I especially love seafood. But the conference was great.
Then on Monday, Pie Day, my sister K had her baby! My new niece is super cute and I love holding her. My mom drove up to help out K and her husband R adjust to this whole new parenting thing. It has been great to spend time with them as well as with my other sister and her family. It was a very busy weekend with them all--busy but good! K's birthday and my mom's birthday were also last week, so it was great timing. Ceeeeellleebrate good times, come onn!
Also, I finally found a place to move to. The city where I live has two universities in it, and most of the housing contracts in the area are organized around semesters. That means most places where students live have contracts from the beginning of September through the third week of April, and they also have contracts for May through August. It's kind of weird. So since I still live in BYU-approved off campus housing, I have to move out in a month. Luckily, this past week I found a new place to live! Since I'm a grad student and I don't have to live in BYU-approved housing, it's a quaint little condo where I can just rent for a year and renew the lease as desired. I can move in any time, too, which means I don't have to worry about that one week of no-man's land that most students have to face when moving in and out of BYU-approved apartment complexes. (That's the week when they all do carpet cleaning and the like.) It'll be nice to be in my own place, with just one other person in the condo, our own private rooms (I can't believe I'm 23 and still in a shared room), and we can do whatever want with the place. Hallelujah.
Work and school keep me super busy, and I'm behind in both (yay). I'm really ready for a break; this summer can't come soon enough. Other than that, life is moving right along! More blogposts to come soon.
P.S. March Madness!! Loving basketball, and loving how well BYU is doing. Let's see how far we can go!
PSA went really well, and Seattle was just great. I'm so glad PSA is over but I'm also glad I went. It was good for me. Not to mention all the really good food I ate there...a sourdough smoked salmon bacon clubhouse sandwich, Manhattan clam chowder bread bowl, amazing pennoni pasta with chicken and vodka cream sauce, French food including an excellent spinach pastry, Starbucks hot chocolate (there really is a Starbucks on every corner, for those of you who have never been to Seattle), Cheesecake factory, and more...oh man. Good stuff. I especially love seafood. But the conference was great.
Then on Monday, Pie Day, my sister K had her baby! My new niece is super cute and I love holding her. My mom drove up to help out K and her husband R adjust to this whole new parenting thing. It has been great to spend time with them as well as with my other sister and her family. It was a very busy weekend with them all--busy but good! K's birthday and my mom's birthday were also last week, so it was great timing. Ceeeeellleebrate good times, come onn!
Also, I finally found a place to move to. The city where I live has two universities in it, and most of the housing contracts in the area are organized around semesters. That means most places where students live have contracts from the beginning of September through the third week of April, and they also have contracts for May through August. It's kind of weird. So since I still live in BYU-approved off campus housing, I have to move out in a month. Luckily, this past week I found a new place to live! Since I'm a grad student and I don't have to live in BYU-approved housing, it's a quaint little condo where I can just rent for a year and renew the lease as desired. I can move in any time, too, which means I don't have to worry about that one week of no-man's land that most students have to face when moving in and out of BYU-approved apartment complexes. (That's the week when they all do carpet cleaning and the like.) It'll be nice to be in my own place, with just one other person in the condo, our own private rooms (I can't believe I'm 23 and still in a shared room), and we can do whatever want with the place. Hallelujah.
Work and school keep me super busy, and I'm behind in both (yay). I'm really ready for a break; this summer can't come soon enough. Other than that, life is moving right along! More blogposts to come soon.
P.S. March Madness!! Loving basketball, and loving how well BYU is doing. Let's see how far we can go!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
post PSA: post Persnickety Seattle Affirmations? er...
So, remember how I've been working my tail off for PSA for the last few months? And remember how a few days ago I drove 14 hours to Seattle to present at the 2011 PSA Conference?
Well, I'm done. =)
Yep, that's all I feel right now. No exclamation points, not in all caps, I'm just glad to be done. It feels really anticlimactic -- one of the three presenters didn't come, so it was just the two of us, and only four people came to watch the session...which means we had an hour and a half long time slot but took up only thirty minutes of it, including three questions at the end. But it was great. I'm really glad it's over.
Now to watch the basketball game...GO BYU!! Thank goodness for Fox Sports Grill right around the corner from our hotel, or we couldn't watch it!
Done with PSA, BYU game (which we better win...), and a clam chowder bread bowl for dinner tonight...yeah, that's all I need to make this a great night. =) See ya on the other side!
Well, I'm done. =)
Yep, that's all I feel right now. No exclamation points, not in all caps, I'm just glad to be done. It feels really anticlimactic -- one of the three presenters didn't come, so it was just the two of us, and only four people came to watch the session...which means we had an hour and a half long time slot but took up only thirty minutes of it, including three questions at the end. But it was great. I'm really glad it's over.
Now to watch the basketball game...GO BYU!! Thank goodness for Fox Sports Grill right around the corner from our hotel, or we couldn't watch it!
Done with PSA, BYU game (which we better win...), and a clam chowder bread bowl for dinner tonight...yeah, that's all I need to make this a great night. =) See ya on the other side!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"If you want to be happy, be." -- Leo Tolstoy
I'm told I can be annoyingly optimistic at times, because I always try to turn a situation into a good thing if I can. Why? Because life isn't worth it otherwise! If you're going to be negative and cynical about everything, then you will not be happy. Maybe you get some sort of sick pleasure from being pessimistic or depressed, or some weird satisfaction, but that cannot and will not last. If you want to enjoy life, really enjoy it so much that your heart is light and a smile comes easily to your face, you've GOTTA let things go and look on the bright side of every situation.
That's just how I see it. Life is much more enjoyable that way. Anecdote time: One time when I was in France, a train strike in Nice made it so that I couldn't get from Nice to Paris and then from Paris to London, where I was supposed to fly back to the States the next day. The attendant said only, "There's a strike. You'll have to go to Paris tomorrow." So I spent the next several hours trying to find suitable transportation to London that day so that I could fly back to the States the next day. I was able to get a flight, luckily, but that silly train strike had cost me about $330 USD. As a starving college student, that's a lot of money! But hey, I was in France! I got to spend a little more time with my friend P (who I was leaving behind in Nice), and I didn't have to spend 8 or more hours on a train...which I wouldn't have minded anyway, for that matter. Rather than mope or rage about how those jerky train attendants were on strike for the day, I looked for the positive side. At least I was able to get a flight out and didn't have to spend $600 or more on another flight from Europe back to the U.S.! Now I can remember that experience as one that was expensive, but whatever...I don't laugh about it (there's not really anything funny about it), but I am indifferent to it instead of bitter or angry.
This is not completely random; there was something that inspired this post. I've been thinking about a couple of my friends who have been rather negative lately, but the trigger was something else. This morning on facebook, one of my facebook friends had written for his status, "On the bright side, my wicked cough is giving me chiseled abs..." Talk about seeing the good no matter what! I think in that case, if I wanted to be positive about it, I'd be grateful that I was getting rid of all the grossness from my lungs and happy that it meant I was almost done with being sick. But thinking about how your cough will give you chiseled abs? Now that's looking for the positive. As recorded in "The Secret Room", a woman in a Holocaust Concentration camp was grateful even for the fleas: they were so thick in their work area that the guards wouldn't go out there to beat and force the women to be silent, so she was able to have limited conversations with the other women.
While most of us won't have to go through something as difficult and oppressive as that, we can learn from Corrie ten Boom and be grateful for the fleas, or even from my facebook friend and be grateful for a cough. Life's too short to spend it being miserable anyway. Let's smile and laugh our way through, shall we?
That's just how I see it. Life is much more enjoyable that way. Anecdote time: One time when I was in France, a train strike in Nice made it so that I couldn't get from Nice to Paris and then from Paris to London, where I was supposed to fly back to the States the next day. The attendant said only, "There's a strike. You'll have to go to Paris tomorrow." So I spent the next several hours trying to find suitable transportation to London that day so that I could fly back to the States the next day. I was able to get a flight, luckily, but that silly train strike had cost me about $330 USD. As a starving college student, that's a lot of money! But hey, I was in France! I got to spend a little more time with my friend P (who I was leaving behind in Nice), and I didn't have to spend 8 or more hours on a train...which I wouldn't have minded anyway, for that matter. Rather than mope or rage about how those jerky train attendants were on strike for the day, I looked for the positive side. At least I was able to get a flight out and didn't have to spend $600 or more on another flight from Europe back to the U.S.! Now I can remember that experience as one that was expensive, but whatever...I don't laugh about it (there's not really anything funny about it), but I am indifferent to it instead of bitter or angry.
This is not completely random; there was something that inspired this post. I've been thinking about a couple of my friends who have been rather negative lately, but the trigger was something else. This morning on facebook, one of my facebook friends had written for his status, "On the bright side, my wicked cough is giving me chiseled abs..." Talk about seeing the good no matter what! I think in that case, if I wanted to be positive about it, I'd be grateful that I was getting rid of all the grossness from my lungs and happy that it meant I was almost done with being sick. But thinking about how your cough will give you chiseled abs? Now that's looking for the positive. As recorded in "The Secret Room", a woman in a Holocaust Concentration camp was grateful even for the fleas: they were so thick in their work area that the guards wouldn't go out there to beat and force the women to be silent, so she was able to have limited conversations with the other women.
While most of us won't have to go through something as difficult and oppressive as that, we can learn from Corrie ten Boom and be grateful for the fleas, or even from my facebook friend and be grateful for a cough. Life's too short to spend it being miserable anyway. Let's smile and laugh our way through, shall we?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Feelin' Good
You know what? I'm feelin' good. Today is a good day. I've got a few things maybe starting to get figured out in my life, or they at least have the potential to work out soon. I feel like I could do anything today. I'd like to say more, but I think my friend Michael Bublé will have to be the one to give it justice this morning.
"Feeling Good" lyrics
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me
For me
I'm feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good
"Feeling Good" lyrics
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
For me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me
For me
I'm feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Hello Seattle, I am a researcher going there for PSA...
One week from now, I will be on my way to PSA in Seattle. Why? Oh yeah, because going to Conferences is good for networking and putting your research out there, not to mention getting research ideas from other people. But here it is, one week before I leave, and I feel ridiculously behind on preparation. Well, that's because I am behind...I'm struggling to run data, impute missing values, recode, etc before even analyzing the results. Ah well, it'll be worth it, right? In nine days and two hours I will be done with my presentation. I can't wait. At least I know I like Seattle! I'm looking forward to a sourdough bread bowl with clam chowder on the pier...yep, that's all I want. Some potential job opportunities would be nice, too.
Did I mention we're driving? From Provo to Seattle? Yeah. It won't be too bad, though; we've got those big BYU vans with a bunch of us riding and partying together, playing car games until we die of boredom. At least we won't miss our flight--the last time I went to Seattle with a school group, the bus was late and made us miss our flight, and we spent two full days in LAX just waiting for another flight to take us to Seattle. Now THAT was fun. Woo hoo! Sheesh, I sound like such a pessimist. Really though, as soon as I get this data to work properly for me, I will be excited. I'll be nervous to present research and have to sound smart, but it'll be great. And I do love Seattle. "Take me above your light, carry me through the night, hold me secure in flight, sing me to sleep tonight...Hello, Seattle..."
Did I mention we're driving? From Provo to Seattle? Yeah. It won't be too bad, though; we've got those big BYU vans with a bunch of us riding and partying together, playing car games until we die of boredom. At least we won't miss our flight--the last time I went to Seattle with a school group, the bus was late and made us miss our flight, and we spent two full days in LAX just waiting for another flight to take us to Seattle. Now THAT was fun. Woo hoo! Sheesh, I sound like such a pessimist. Really though, as soon as I get this data to work properly for me, I will be excited. I'll be nervous to present research and have to sound smart, but it'll be great. And I do love Seattle. "Take me above your light, carry me through the night, hold me secure in flight, sing me to sleep tonight...Hello, Seattle..."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
You know, it's a good thing you're not a big fat guy or this would be REALLY difficult...
I've been slacking lately on writing, mostly because all day I stare at a computer screen, working with Stata, and when I get home my poor eyes don't want to look at a computer screen. And I don't want to think. Meh.
Anyway. A few random thoughts...
- Playing "Screaming Viking" in a graduate university course is very entertaining, especially when your department chair has to interrupt to investigate because you're all being too loud. For those of you who don't know, this is one of those silly games people play while standing in a circle. Let me know if you want me to explain it to you sometime; it's just not the same in writing.
- BYU is really weird in a lot of ways, as is Provo. Sometimes I really wonder how I ended up here. It's a great school, of course, but the people, the social norms, the way of living, how people's minds work and what they think...pretty weird sometimes.
- Relationships are difficult, occasionally more so when you aren't even in one. People usually say that it can be less stressful and less work when you aren't dating anyone, but I don't know, experience has shown me that sometimes relationships can be better for you because they motivate you with all those healthy endorphins to go out and conquer the world. Plus, you're happy because you have someone to share your life with. Maybe I'll change my opinion on that when I get in another relationship, or maybe not.
- Going shopping can be a great stress reliever, especially if you are with someone who enjoys shopping as you do. You don't even have to buy anything for this to work; you can just walk around, enjoy trying on shoes and looking at clothes, jewelry, makeup, books, sheet music, musical instruments...man, shopping for any of that stuff can be a grand old time.
- Playing the piano and singing...how I wish I had the time to do these things. I try to on Sundays and occasionally on other days, but school and work keep me too busy to play/sing to my heart's content. But whenever I can do so, it is worth it. Music is my heart and my soul; it is my catharsis.
- Graduate school, graduate school...it is very difficult when you aren't really into it. Without the drive to accomplish the degree and pursue higher goals, it is nearly impossible to get anything done.
I could say plenty more, but I am so tired I should probably turn in. At least it's 3 hours later than when I originally wanted to go to bed. Sheesh, I'm lame.
"Ah, how shall I do it? I know! I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...ah ha ha ha ha! I'll smash it with a hammer!"
Goodnight.
Anyway. A few random thoughts...
- Playing "Screaming Viking" in a graduate university course is very entertaining, especially when your department chair has to interrupt to investigate because you're all being too loud. For those of you who don't know, this is one of those silly games people play while standing in a circle. Let me know if you want me to explain it to you sometime; it's just not the same in writing.
- BYU is really weird in a lot of ways, as is Provo. Sometimes I really wonder how I ended up here. It's a great school, of course, but the people, the social norms, the way of living, how people's minds work and what they think...pretty weird sometimes.
- Relationships are difficult, occasionally more so when you aren't even in one. People usually say that it can be less stressful and less work when you aren't dating anyone, but I don't know, experience has shown me that sometimes relationships can be better for you because they motivate you with all those healthy endorphins to go out and conquer the world. Plus, you're happy because you have someone to share your life with. Maybe I'll change my opinion on that when I get in another relationship, or maybe not.
- Going shopping can be a great stress reliever, especially if you are with someone who enjoys shopping as you do. You don't even have to buy anything for this to work; you can just walk around, enjoy trying on shoes and looking at clothes, jewelry, makeup, books, sheet music, musical instruments...man, shopping for any of that stuff can be a grand old time.
- Playing the piano and singing...how I wish I had the time to do these things. I try to on Sundays and occasionally on other days, but school and work keep me too busy to play/sing to my heart's content. But whenever I can do so, it is worth it. Music is my heart and my soul; it is my catharsis.
- Graduate school, graduate school...it is very difficult when you aren't really into it. Without the drive to accomplish the degree and pursue higher goals, it is nearly impossible to get anything done.
I could say plenty more, but I am so tired I should probably turn in. At least it's 3 hours later than when I originally wanted to go to bed. Sheesh, I'm lame.
"Ah, how shall I do it? I know! I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...ah ha ha ha ha! I'll smash it with a hammer!"
Goodnight.
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