The Value of Mothers

I have noticed an interesting trend in the world. Granted, while I work from home, I live in Utah, and most of my contact with the "outside world" is through the internet, I can't say this is a "random sample" from which I have drawn my observation. However, having studied the people of this world at length and being the sociologist that I am, I will apply my observation and understanding of this trend to the general population. I believe it is accurately representative.

Today is Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mothers! Whether that is biologically true or practically true or socially true according to your situation and desires, you deserve honor and celebration this day and all days. Motherhood is one of the most honorable and desirable professions because being a mother is a godly calling. "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels" (In James R. Clark, comp., Messages of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Vol 6: pg 178).

The interesting trend I have noticed is that people still care about mothers.

It is rather sad that I feel I have to draw attention to something that, frankly, should be seen as "duh". But what has happened to the family over the years? What has society been doing to the family? The definition of family has been altered and changed drastically merely in the last ten or fifteen years, though there was plenty of evidence to foreshadow that in the decades beforehand. Marriage is under attack. Divorce is rampant. Divorce rates are technically lower now than they were in the 1980s when they reached their highest peak, but not by much. And with the marriage rate falling as well, this shows even more how little we as a people value the institutions of marriage and family. Abortion rates are frightening. Birth rates are low. Single parenting is commonplace. The prophets have taught us that "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." Yet approximately half of all children are born out of wedlock and have no chance to experience family life as God intended.

(Please bear in mind that I am sharing these statistics from my memory of my academic study in sociology over the last several years, which is why I do not quote studies specifically as reference. If you are disinclined to believe any of them, please ask me and I would be more than happy to confirm them with reliable sources of data.)

What has happened to the family? Societal evidence shows that it is literally falling apart. And yet, people continue to celebrate mothers and motherhood.

On this Mother's Day, I have observed an outpouring of Facebook statuses, blog posts, quotes, phone calls, and more, all honoring mothers. What intrigues me about this is that I have observed a greater appreciation for mothers on Mother's Day through these means than I have seen for any other holiday of late. This includes such holidays as Easter and Christmas. Considering to the commitments and attentions of the circle of people in my little corner of the world, I believe this is more than merely a manifestation of religious preference and the holidays one chooses to observe. And with the prevalence of electronic devices and ease of updating a status from wherever you are, I also believe it is more than a matter of having time or access to post something online. From what I have seen today, people are literally putting more focus today on celebrating their mothers than on any other holiday or reason for celebrating it, including even those holidays dedicated the Savior of the world.

Why is that?

I believe that the answer is simple: because there are some eternal truths that cannot be ignored. Mothers are given the task of raising precious souls in this increasingly dreadful and wicked world, to bring light and hope into their lives so that they can go out into that world and strive with all their might to make it a better place for their own children one day. Abraham Lincoln is quoted to have said, "All that I am and hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." Mothers touch our hearts in ways that cannot be ignored or unappreciated. The sacrifices that mothers give for their children cannot even be described. The love they have for their children cannot be measured. Motherhood is so powerful that the impact mothers have on our lives cannot even be put into words. And the world knows this. People can choose to ignore any and all the evidence of a loving Heavenly Father, a God who has given them all things, merely because they can't see Him. But they can see their mothers, and they can't ignore them.

No matter how sick the world gets, no matter how much the devil attacks God and the family, mothers cannot be forgotten. Their influence is too monumental, too widespread, too tangibly visible to ignore. And because of that, I believe there is hope for this world. Often of late, I have felt sickened by the evils proliferating in this world like a deadly pandemic from which there is no protection. I wonder how people can do the things they do, rationalize what they rationalize, ignore what they ignore, and neglect what they neglect. After all that God has done for us, how can we forget Him so quickly? How can we forget the One who created us? But as the Lord's prophet Thomas S. Monson has taught us, "One cannot forget mother and remember God. One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one."

Despite the other disturbing trends we find in the world today, this rings true. The godly traits of motherhood resonate within our hearts and within our souls. We know of the goodness of mothers, and their constant selflessness, sacrifice, virtue, and love compels us to honor them. And seeing how we honor our mothers on this day, I feel more at peace. There is still much that needs to be done for good in this world, but I am well pleased to observe the dedication of this people to their mothers because it means that despite their claims, they have not forgotten their God. Motherhood is near to divinity. The Lord does not leave us without types in this world -- He has filled it with symbols and signs so that the believers might recognize Him in all things, and mothers are perhaps the greatest symbol of God that we have in this world. While we have fallen far, there is still hope for humanity. I am grateful that we still recognize the value of mothers. 

Life Happenings: A Musical Future?

*Note: There are a lot of links to previous blogposts of mine in this post. Feel free to ignore them if you wish, but if you really want to know what's happening in my life and where my heart is, please refresh your memory of or read for the first time the posts I link to. Thanks!

Some of you have never read this blog of mine before. Others have been my readers since the beginning or have come in along the way. Regardless, those of you who know me know my interest in music. I talk about it a lot on this blog...recall some of my previous posts, such as:

Playing air piano
The music is all around you. All you have to do is listen.
A Murder for Her Majesty
The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist

...and plenty more. It is a big part of my life. But til now, I haven't been able to turn my music into a career by which I can support myself and possibly others. My last post was about how I was looking for work and was stressed about my financial future. I mentioned looking for a job in the field of sociology, which I've searched for and had no luck finding. I have also considered writing or teaching writing/English. But most of all, I want a job in music and said that "virtually any music job opportunity would bring me joy."

You may wonder, what has happened with the job search? Nothing that I expected, that's for sure. So many interesting things have happened in the past few months, and I know that those of you who are truly interested in the goings-on in my life either already know about them or will ask me for more details. For the rest of you, I'll kindly summarize. Recently, I made a new friend who graciously granted me the opportunity of working with her, doing SEO writing. It is a job I can do from anywhere and I am so grateful to have it. We have been told by several of our employers that our writing is high in quality and that they think of us first when they need a project done, which is always good news to hear as writers. I thank the Lord and my good friend J for this opportunity to help make ends meet at this complicated time in my life.

In addition, this friend of mine through the Hand of the Lord has granted me another opportunity: to become involved in a grand musical project. Right now there is no income to be had from said project, but if we are able to find the right resources and if we do our best to make things happen, I believe God will allow this to become a positive and profitable experience in many ways for those involved. I have become highly invested in this project, in part due to the hope for a future income in this field but more for the fact that it allows me to do what I truly love. I am so grateful that the Lord has allowed me to become involved in something I love. Sociology was always something I was good at, and it will continue to be a resource for me. If a good sociology job opportunity comes along, I may take it. But sociology was never a love of mine like music is. So for now, I will pursue this musical path I have chosen. I have been able to discover the true meaning of the phrase, "Get a job doing something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." This rarely feels like work to me. Of course it's not a paid job yet, but I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to generate an income as part of a force that will edify and strengthen others through music and other good sources, such as writing, media, etc. Perhaps this project is the beginning of that opportunity for me in my life.

As part of this step in life, I have to relocate back to Utah Valley, and soon. I once wrote that "Utah Valley has been pretty good to me, but I don't feel that it holds anything for me as far as my future goes. So I am looking elsewhere [for where to go in life]." Though I have very mixed feelings on returning to Utah given my mixed experiences there over the past 6 years, apparently I need to give Utah Valley one more chance. Perhaps this time as a non-student, living in the Provo area will grant me a different experience. Maybe I will have a better social and dating life. Who knows? I'll have to see what happens when I get back there. Most of all, I'm very concerned about how I will survive financially when I get there. With student loan payments coming soon, rent payments, probably car insurance and car payments, and normal costs of living, I'm definitely going to struggle. If at all possible I'd like to at least break even every month with the money I make from my SEO job and the bills I have to pay, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I'll have to rely heavily on the Lord for His grace to sustain me. Gotta have the faith and don't stop believin'!

This entry has been long, but yes, that was me summarizing what's been happening in my life. The real story is much more detailed and involves not only J but also KD and A and others.

Music is so much a part of me that I can't ignore it. Music flows from my fingers, it consumes my mind, it roams unchecked from my vocal chords, it is the very air I breathe and the energy that allows me to move. It is here in my heart, and I am listening to it.  I know that music must be a part of my life, and I want it to be. Therefore, I will allow it to direct me into uncharted life territories so that together, music and I can make the most of life. In faith, I know that the Lord will not leave me comfortless or stranded but He will mold me into an instrument in His Hands so that I may contribute good to this world through the talents, gifts, and resources He has given me. I pray that He continues to guide me and all of you in our journeys and that we can always see His Hand leading us to where we need to be.

Update, shmupdate...life as I know it

After not writing for weeks and weeks..."It is time." (read in the way Rafiki says it as he realizes that Simba is still alive and is the rightful king)

These past weeks/months I've spent mostly working on my thesis, which is now just about done! My defense is scheduled and is in about 2 weeks, so I've just got to figure all that out, prepare my defense presentation, format the paper correctly...I meant to work on the format today, but of course the BYU website isn't working, so I can't look at the form requirements. Ah, well. Then I make any last minute changes, and then I will be finished with my Master's degree. Crazy! Well, not crazy, because I've put in the work necessary for it. Just a little "whoa!" because it's finally happening. Here's to hoping all goes well at the defense.

Last week I got to go visit my brother K and his family, which was really fun. K and S took their youngest daughter on a trip for four days while I took care of their other two children, D and A. D is old enough that he was in school, but A was still at home. She and I played lots of Pretty Pretty Princess and Candyland, watched movies, colored pictures, and more. D showed off his great piano-playing skills (he's going to be really good at it!), and we played more games and what not together. When K and S got back with their daughter K, I got to see how great K is at walking and how sweet she is when she talks (she says "peeeease???" or "please" in the cutest voice when she wants something). I'm very proud of all three of them. It was a good trip.

My other niece, S, turned 6 on Saturday...I missed it because she lives in another state, but I think it's so great that she chose to go to an art museum on her birthday. (What 5- turning 6-year-old wants to do that? She's awesome.) I have so many nieces and nephews (eight with one more on the way!) and I love them all very much. I wish I could see them all regularly, but with my four siblings living in three different states, it is difficult. As it is, I still get to spend a good amount of time with my sisters and their children, since they live close by. We do dinner together every Sunday and it is great to spend time with them. I'm going to miss them when I move away.

That brings me to my next "update"...which isn't really an update at all but more a report of my current state of being. This current state of being is that I have no idea what to do in a couple months. I will be done with school and for the first time in my life, I have no plans. When I graduated high school I applied to a few different schools but knew that if I got into BYU, I wanted to go there to study music. I got in and I came to BYU, but then I auditioned three times for the music program and couldn't seem to get in. I considered going to a different university for music, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU, so I pursued a different field of study. Then when I was finishing my Bachelor's in sociology, I decided that an MS in sociology would help me get a better job than having just the BS, so I went for that degree. Now I'm finishing that and am wide open. I could always go for a PhD, but I think I'm really ready for a break from school. I never wanted a PhD, but I wouldn't say no to it; it's just not something I want to do right now. So now I'm trying to figure out, where do I go from here? There are so many career paths a person with an MS in sociology could pursue and I'm really not sure which one I want to do. As I've said before, I enjoy sociology well enough but am not passionate about it, so I do not necessarily want to fill my life with 40+ hours a week of pure sociology unless it is temporary. Ultimately, in the future I hope to be a full-time mom with a part time job in music or something sociology if necessary for financial reasons. Ideally for now I would like to get a good job with the skills I've developed through my sociology education, one with benefits that will pay well and help me pay off my student loans and save up for bigger life purchases like a car and a home. Unfortunately, I really can't picture myself very easily as a full-time data analyst, researcher, working at human resources, or in other jobs like those. I've always wanted to teach music and can easily see myself doing virtually any music career, but while I can jump right into music as long as I have a place to live and a piano with which to teach (another expensive purchase I'm not quite ready to make), starting out with music wouldn't pay me well for at least a few years. Furthermore, unless I were to work through a music company, I wouldn't have benefits. So it seems best that I procure a steady position with my skills as a sociologist so that I can pay off student loans and save up some money.

In addition to not knowing what I should do after the next few months, I don't know where I should do it. All I know is that I'm ready to leave Utah. One of the reasons I stayed here for my Master's was in hopes that I might find someone to marry. That might sound silly to some but is very normal for an LDS woman like me, now in my mid-20s with many LDS friends who are married with one or two children by the time they're my age. But of course, while many people have met their spouses in Provo, I have not. And while my dating life in Provo was certainly busy until I was 20, it has been pretty much nonexistent ever since then. My hopes of that improving over my 2-year Master's program went tragically unfulfilled. Therefore, I have determined that I should leave Utah, or at least Utah Valley, if I want to find my match. That said, I don't know where to go to find him. What's more is that I don't even know if I will find him. It's possible I won't be married for ten or fifteen years yet, or that I will never marry in this life. I certainly don't know, but of course I'm hoping that wherever I go from here will be the place where I meet him. Unfortunately, as I've been praying about it, I haven't felt any strong, clear promptings about going to a certain place, so apparently the Lord is telling me it isn't time yet or He is leaving it up to me to choose where to go. And with choosing for myself, I don't really have in mind a specific place where I would like to settle down to guide me in my search for where to live. I think I could be happy any number of places around the country. So it looks like I'm just going to have to choose something...any suggestions on where to go or what job to look for?

Well, there you have it: I am finally finishing my Master's degree, enjoying family, and trying to figure out where to go and what to do next. If you have any suggestions or advice for me, please share! Thanks for reading, and Happy Memorial Day. Remember those who have given their lives while serving our country.

THESIS PROSPECTUS DEFENDED.

Done and done.

Now to do the actual analysis...here's hoping all goes well!

post PSA: post Persnickety Seattle Affirmations? er...

So, remember how I've been working my tail off for PSA for the last few months? And remember how a few days ago I drove 14 hours to Seattle to present at the 2011 PSA Conference?

Well, I'm done. =)

Yep, that's all I feel right now. No exclamation points, not in all caps, I'm just glad to be done. It feels really anticlimactic -- one of the three presenters didn't come, so it was just the two of us, and only four people came to watch the session...which means we had an hour and a half long time slot but took up only thirty minutes of it, including three questions at the end. But it was great. I'm really glad it's over.

Now to watch the basketball game...GO BYU!! Thank goodness for Fox Sports Grill right around the corner from our hotel, or we couldn't watch it!

Done with PSA, BYU game (which we better win...), and a clam chowder bread bowl for dinner tonight...yeah, that's all I need to make this a great night. =) See ya on the other side!

Writer's block

You're in a very difficult situation when you have to write for work and you have major writer's block. This isn't even "creative writing", but sociological research. I need to craft a persuasive literature review three weeks ago using a compilation of article summaries/ideas and my own words, but no words will come. I can't even put together logical sentences summarizing the findings of these articles when I have already summarized most of them in outline form. Yet I can knock out a paragraph on here in one minute about how I can't write. Dude. It's probably because I have no desire to write this literature review anyway, except that I like getting paid...

The Life of a Failed Musician-turned-Sociologist

I usually don't share very personal things on my blog. I like to keep things to myself, so I rarely talk about my trials and concerns with anybody. But I thought about it and decided, it's my blog. I can write whatever I want on it (whatever I want that I'm willing for other people to read, that is), and you can feel free to read it or ignore it. Also, the way I write may present a different impression about myself than I intend, so just take it with a grain of salt that I am very honest and matter-of-fact about how I see myself and those around me. That being said, I will now write what I intended to write.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a musician. I've been singing almost as long as I've been talking. I have perfect pitch, which enables me to identify the name of any pitch or basic chord upon hearing it. If I had more extensive training in music theory, I am sure I could get to a point at which I could identify any chord upon hearing it, but for now, I can identify them mostly by the pitches included in the chord. I can also do the reverse--if someone asks me to sing a certain pitch, I can do so. I learned that I had this gift when as a child, my sisters and I would sing along with Christine in Phantom of the Opera, and I'd know when they weren't singing the right pitch for her high scream (a double E), while good old Michael Crawford would be singing "Sing for me!" in the background. I've also played the piano since I was small; I remember whipping through the John Thompson piano books on my own when Mom didn't have time to teach me lessons. I would check off the songs that I "passed", or I would have Mom listen and give her approval that I pass them off. Even at that age, I wanted to be a concert pianist when I grew older. When I got into fourth grade, I picked up my sister's old flute and joined the band. The first day of band class, the older students spent the whole time teaching us how to make a sound on our instrument; I'd already figured that out, so I went ahead and learned a few notes. I quickly progressed to the more difficult songs, and went through the entire book within a few weeks. The rest of elementary school band left me impatient for junior high and more difficult music to learn. Of course, when I got to junior high I only had trouble with a few select songs; the rest for me were easy as pie. Meanwhile, I was singing in church regularly, and playing piano all the time. For my brother's missionary homecoming at church, when I was 11 years old, I accompanied my family on a Marvin Goldstein number. I learned to play the Maple Leaf Rag, Jon Schmidt music, and other difficult pieces. One day when I was 12, I sat down and played an old favorite, Für Elise. To shake things up a bit, I decided to figure it out in a different key. I transposed the main theme into another key, then another, then several more. It became a project, and I ended up transposing the entire song into all 12 keys. I played the piano for eight hours that day. Soon my mom found a new teacher for me, Dr. Jungwon Jin, at a nearby university, and there began my professional music study. I also began voice lessons around that time.

My mother began taking me to see performances by prominent LDS musicians such as Marvin Goldstein, Janice Kapp Perry, and Kenneth Cope, and we'd have them sign their music books for us. She also told each of them details about my musical talent, and they'd encourage me to work at it. Once, during a church concert by Marvin Goldstein, he motioned for me to come up and turn his pages for him while he played! Inspired by Brother Goldstein, I began arranging my own music, hymns, other songs, and writing music to perform. I went to the California state level competition for a musical piece I'd written. Every new piano piece that became popular, I learned to play. Movies would come out, and I'd figure out the piano part to the score before the piano books would come out. My parents purchased a beautiful Mason and Hamlin grand piano, which I loved (and still love) to play. I would stay at the keys for hours, practicing away, then head over to practice my flute. In band, it irked me to no end when those around me would consistently miss the same notes or rhythms and the band director never noticed. Sometimes I would turn around and tell the clarinets that they were missing their F#s or ask my friend A to tell the other trumpets that they were missing partials, not because I wanted to seem better than them but because I just wanted the music to sound good. That's all I wanted, and that's all I still want...I just want music to sound beautiful, as it is meant to. High school came, and I joined the marching band and symphonic band. Eventually I also joined the jazz band, where I met my first real struggle--although I loved jazz, I was never very good at jazz piano, likely due to my background training in classical piano. But I kept doing it, and I enjoyed it. I continued performing at school and playing in church. Piano competitions were common at first, but because I started professional lessons so late in life and I was competing with students who had been professionally trained since they were 3 or 4, I rarely placed. Our high school band had some promising talent but weak support, and we never did very well in performances. I was in the high school madrigal choir my senior year, but that program was also weak.

Soon I became discouraged with piano, even though I loved it. In band, I became complacent, because compared to most of the other students in the struggling music program at my high school, I was leaps and bounds ahead. I performed in local and regional honor bands and orchestras to challenge myself, but there wasn't much to be done. I learned to play the alto and tenor saxophones, the clarinet, and the French horn to keep from being bored. When I joined choir, many of the other members were talented, but careless with their talent. They were in it for the fun, while only a few like me wanted more out of the experience. At some point Dr. Jin moved back to Korea for a while, and I began studying piano with a new teacher at the university, Dr. Elvin Rodriguez. He challenged me a lot, but I still struggled. I taught piano lessons throughout high school. I loved band and invested time in 0-period jazz and after school marching band, even though we weren't very good. I enjoyed the time away from home, being with my band friends. I dated another talented musician in the band for much of my high school career, and the time I invested there also pulled me away from personal practice. I joined drumline and played the keyboards; the unfamiliar stress led me to develop cysts on my wrists that I had surgically removed. That, of course, limited my ability to play the piano for a while. I took difficult classes like the rest of my siblings, trying too hard to do too much, and I had less and less time for cultivating my most promising musical talent, piano. I became the drum major for the marching band my senior year, and I quickly fell in love with the idea of being a band conductor. The conflict between my love for conducting and my love for piano made it very difficult to prioritize, and I fell short on both as I tried to keep doing both. I would have done musical theater all my life if we'd had the programs in my schools, but we did not. I loved all things musical and tried to do everything I could, which made it impossible to really perfect any one instrument or voice. 


Nonetheless, soon it became time for me to put my lifelong dream of being a musician into action and apply for the Piano Performance major at the School of Music at BYU. I had been working on a Chopin Scherzo, as well as a Bach Prelude and Fugue and a Beethoven Sonata. I'd worked hard, and I felt confident that I would be accepted into the program. I took the AP Music Theory test my junior year of high school (even though we didn't have the course) and received top marks, and I knew that would help. I also took the Aural Skills exam, which is an exam given to all music school applicants, with tests in interval, chord, and rhythm studies. Everyone else who took it was really scared, because they warned us that most people had to take it twice or more to score a passing score (30 out of 64 was accepted as passing). I took it the one time and got a 62. All things considered, it seemed certain that I would get into the music program at BYU...but I did not. Everyone at home was shocked, including myself--we all thought that I would get in. But I would have to try out again the next year. I went to BYU and picked up a job to help pay for school. I continued to practice piano so that I could audition again for Piano Performance in January (auditions were only once a year). With the help of my parents, I purchased a good quality flute and prepared to also audition for Music Education. Unfortunately, if I wanted to become a band director for a high school or college, I could not audition on piano even though it was my best instrument: if I auditioned on piano for education, I could only teach elementary school music. So I had to prepare both instruments to audition on the same day, because all of the school of music auditions were held on one day, the same day every year. I was very prayerful about what I should do, and felt that auditioning on both would give me more options. I couldn't afford both piano and flute lessons through the school, so I took flute lessons only, hoping that my years of private training on piano would help me perfect the piano pieces I would perform. My ability on flute improved greatly, and I was excited to audition. I changed the pieces I was doing for piano; I dropped the Chopin Scherzo and worked on a Prokofiev Sonata (it was more difficult and more impressive), changed the Bach Prelude and Fugue, and chose another Beethoven Sonata. I worked hard on them. When I auditioned that January, I was fairly certain I had not gotten in on flute (they only had 2 spots available for about 50 applicants), but I was also fairly certain that I had done the best I could for Piano. As self-critical as I was, and knowing that I had done my best, I was sure I would get in, even in spite of the competition...but again, I did not. Three auditions down for the School of Music, and I didn't make any of them. 


At this point I became very discouraged. All I wanted to do with my life was music, but the BYU School of Music wouldn't let me get in! I was mostly done with my GE's by the time I finished my freshman year of college, and I didn't know whether or not I should wait around and audition a fourth time the next January. Even if I got in then, I wouldn't start the program until fall of my junior year, and then I would have four more years of my undergrad ahead of me. I considered transferring to another school, but felt that the Lord wanted me to stay at BYU. I took piano lessons from one of the faculty members for the Piano Department at BYU that fall, intending to audition the following January. My teacher was extremely hard on me, but not in what I felt was a positive way: he never complimented, never noted my progress, and constantly suggested that I look into studying something else. He told me that if I liked ANYTHING besides music, I should do that instead, because music was so grueling that it had to be your only option or you'd never be happy. Basically, he faked me out into thinking that I wasn't good enough for the music program, I couldn't do it, and I wasn't talented. All my life I had this confidence in my abilities as a musician. I KNEW I was talented. I knew that not because of what other people said, but because as I studied it more and more, I knew how to identify good quality music and I knew that I was able to produce it. But after being rejected three times by the School of Music for the one school at which I really wanted to study music, my confidence became very shaky and then fell apart altogether. I finished the semester of piano lessons because I'd paid for them, but I decided not to audition again. Maybe I should have auditioned on voice, but I didn't. My confidence as a musician was (and still is) completely shot. Instead, I figured I'd find something else to do with my life.


That is how I became a sociology major. I was trying to figure out what I enjoyed and what I could be happy doing with my life, and I decided sociology would be good because I like people and have always been a people person. At that point I didn't have a clear understanding of what sociology is, but I joined the major and went through the program anyway. By the time I graduated last April, I had developed good skills and was good at the subject matter--I got into the Master's program for it, so I knew I had to at least be a decent sociologist. I knew graduate studies would help me with career options later in life, and now I am a sociology Master's student. I think about what I am doing with my life, where I am going, and I really don't know the answers to those questions. I know that having a Master's Degree will open me up to more job opportunities that I might not have if I don't obtain the Master's. I know that what I am doing is a good thing. I know I am good at it. But I don't love it. I like it well enough. I've learned valuable things that will influence many of my relationships throughout my life. But I get out of my classes and the first thing I think is not about how I want to study more about this, but about how I want to take a break from it. My teachers say I need to eat, drink, and sleep sociology, but I don't. I do the bare minimum for my classes. Generally, I try to do well in my classes, not for a love of the subject matter but because from the time I was a child I was taught to do my best in school. But now, when I'm concerned about passing one class in particular, I don't have the drive necessary to work harder. I don't think, "I really love this and it will be so rewarding if I just stick it out." I don't tell myself, "I'm so glad I chose to study sociology and I got into the Master's program." I don't know if I really believe those statements. I just sit here, thinking about how I'm dissatisfied with my life. I'm doing the program because of a myriad of reasons, including my lack of confidence that I could find a decent job that I like with a BS in Sociology, and my memory that when I was a kid, my Dad, who had a Bachelor's Degree, had to go back to school after he was laid off in order to get a good job. I'd rather not have to do that in fifteen or twenty years so that I can get a good job to support my kids. I wouldn't mind going back to gain an education in another field because I enjoy it, but I would rather not have to do so then just so I can get a better job. After I graduated, I looked into getting another Bachelor's in music at a different school, but the schools I researched wouldn't accept students who already had degrees because too many people are going to college now. I am no longer a musician, but a sociologist (and that, only kind of). So here I am, not exactly prostrate with depression about where my life is going, but by no means fulfilling any dream of mine. I'm just...going along, dissatisfied.


I didn't write this with the intention of asking my readers for advice about what to do; I just needed to put it on "paper". But if you have advice or counsel, thoughts, experiences, etc., feel free to share. Like I said, I'm not doing anything important...I'm just sitting here, wondering what it is I'm doing and why I'm doing it...and wondering why I'm not doing something else. 

Pedicures with The Other

Hey everyone!  Long time no blog!  Sorry.  I hope everyone has been enjoying June thus far...we had a couple days of beautiful sun in which my skin became several shades darker, but now we're into a few days of overcast and rain.  Silly Utah.

First, a more frivolous update -- I went to a lovely local aesthetics school the other day with P to get manicures/pedicures. I'd never gotten a manicure and hadn't gotten a pedicure since high school, so this was glorious.  I know it's one of those things you really can't afford but hey, it was cheaper because it was a school...and it was desperately needed...and they gave me the best pedicure/manicure treatment I'd actually ever had.  I will definitely be going back sometime  =)

Also, my dataset for research has finally started cooperating with me!  Woo hoo!  I can now DO SOMETHING with it.  Lovely.

Onto the real reason for blogging today.  So as I've been living life and taking this Marriage and Family class, I've been thinking a lot about that kind of stuff.  This class and life have both taught me a lot of things, and here are some of the things I've learned.  Relationships are HARD WORK, no matter how you slice it.  But if yours have lots of problems and you want to make them easier and better, you need to change the type of person you are.  In my classes with this professor (this is my third from him), we've talked a lot about your "way of being", meaning the way that you are.  We've talked about how you can live life however you want, but when you do one nice thing for a person, that doesn't mean you are a nice person.  Anyone can figure that out, but it is important to really understand this concept.  If you want to be a "nice person", you need to change who you are so that that characteristic defines you.  Therefore, if you want to be Christlike, you need to change yourself so that you are more like Christ.  Regarding relationships, we know that the Savior said, "Greater love hath no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends."  Our Lord's existence is centered around US; He gave His life for our sakes, because He loves us so much, and His every desire is so that He can bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man--you, me, everyone.  In sociological terms, that way of being is a "being for the Other".  "The Other" signifies each and every person with whom you come in contact.  Our responsibility to exist for the Other, as our Savior does, is best exemplified by the words of Emmanuel Levinas, sociologist:

Emmanuel Levinas, Ethics and Infinity, p. 100-101

It is I who support the Other and am responsible for him.  One thus sees that in the human subject, at the same time as a total subjection, my primogeniture manifests itself.  My responsibility is untransferable, no one could replace me...Responsibility is what is incumbent on me exclusively, and what, humanly, I cannot refuse...It is in this precise sense that Dostoyevsky said: “We are all responsible for all men before all, and I more than all the others.”

You see, we are inseparably connected to each and every individual in the world, and we are responsible for them.  That doesn't mean you have to babysit every person you see and make sure they're not getting hurt.  What it means is that you love--truly love--everyone.  If, in relationships, we were to forget about the little things that really don't matter at all and instead, see that person for who he or she really is, we would realize just how much he or she is in need.  As we change our way of being to a Being for The Other, we can see each Other in a whole new light as a real person, someone with just as much--Levinas would say more--need as we have.  To offer service once in a while to improve our relationships isn't enough.  We need to change our fundamental selves to be for the Other.  

People can tell when you're faking it.  People know when you're complaining about them to others.  I've been on both sides of the equation.  It's impossible to ever really hide your feelings--that's why it's been said that we have a sixth sense.  So when you're having problems in your relationships and doing service for the other person isn't solving it, don't assume you've done all you can.  There is always more that you can do to fix things.  Even if they really were the one to cause the problem, you are the one who continues to let it be a problem.  Chances are that if you changed your way of being to a true Being for The Other, the other person will change as well, and even if they don't, you will no longer feel victimized and the relationship will already be improved.

There's my two bits.  I was going to say more but I've said way too much already; it's more like two quid or two bricks.  Meh.  I hope I made some sense  =)

My quote for the day will have to be Dostoyevsky's...so here it is again: “We are all responsible for all men before all, and I more than all the others.”  Don't forget it!

Your basic D.I.D.

Hmm...lots of thoughts tumbling around today...but which ones to talk about?  I know, ALL of them!  Or maybe just the ones that pop into my head as I'm writing.  Okay.

RESEARCH:  So I'm working on some sociological research right now, basically continuing what I was doing last semester but now for academic credit and not for pay.  Kind of a bummer that I don't get paid, but at least I get something out of it.  I'm working with the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study (ECLS), gathering information that will show us whether or not there is a significant difference in a child's health and sexual outcomes when raised by a single mom or single dad.  Sounds interesting, doesn't it?  I didn't choose the topic, Mikaela did (my professor), but it is proving interesting.  The ECLS was given to a specific set of kindergarteners and their parents, and their progress has been followed up until the current year, their 8th grade year.  If only the program would work, though...unfortunately, this little dataset requires that you order a CD for full access to the data and codebook, which we did, but then you have to download a program from the CD onto your computer.  (P.S. the data is the actual results from each respondent, and the codebook is the list of questions a.k.a. variables that were asked with the numerical values given to each answer so that we can actually read the data.)  The ECLS program won't download to a flash or anything else, it has to be onto a computer, and it is very finicky, so finally after a zillion tries, I was able to download it to my home computer.  However, it's a really random weird program that nobody else has, so I can't take what I do to the data anywhere else unless by some random chance another computer also has this program.  Which none do.  In other words, I'm stuck at home.  At my first real research meeting with Mikaela and the other student researchers to show what we've done, they were able to pull out and show her everything because while they're answering the same research question, they're working with normal datasets like the NLSY79 that give you access online.  I, on the other hand, had to paste print screens into a word document and show her that because my work couldn't be saved into any other format, not even one to be read by notepad.  ANNOYING.  It gets better, though--this step is just reading the codebook and choosing the appropriate variables to be used, but the next involves actually cleaning up the variables and making them usable for the study...which requires SPSS, an expensive data analysis program that of course, I don't have.  There are a few select computer labs at school that have the program, but--surprise!--those computers won't let you download ANYTHING onto the computers, and if you are given permission to download something, that something is erased each night.  In other words, I can look at the variables at home, choose the ones I want to use, but then I can't do anything with them because I don't have the program at home (and can't afford to buy it).  BUT I can do stuff with them if I use a computer with SPSS--but then I won't be able to work with the variables as easily because I won't be able to see them.  Logical, no?  Argh, frustrating.  That's it, I'm movin' to Sparta.

CLASS:  I'm taking Comparative Perspectives on Marriage and Family, which is very interesting but requires a LOT of reading.  Knapp loves huge reading assignments; he thinks they make us smarter, which may be true, but certainly makes us get behind in our work.  We have our midterm next week, then it's off to the second half of the class.  I can't believe we're already half done!  In the second half, we get to read Anna Karenina--supposedly not the whole book, just segments of it, but the course outline currently shows that we're reading the entire 817 page Russian novel in three weeks.  Yikes.

READING:  I've been whipping through the Percy Jackson books lately, which have been fantastic.  Definitely written for children, but still, very enjoyable.  Much like a Harry Potter series for Greek mythology lovers--very similar in style, character development, and basic overall plotline.  I highly recommend them.  After that, I'll proceed onto the Fablehaven books.  I've gotten finish them before Amy leaves at the end of summer, because she's taking them with her.

TV SHOWS:  Glee and Bones are where it's at right now, my friends.  Those are my t.v. shows, and if people try to bug me between 8-9 on Tuesdays (Glee) or 7-8 on Thursdays (Bones), I am not happy (same goes for Amy!).  I apologize in advance if you try to talk to me during those times and I ignore you, but consider yourself warned.  Yes, I've heard of Hulu, and yes, I'll watch the shows on Hulu if I can't do it live.  But my old school computer hates Hulu and pretty much any online videos; they don't work half the time and the other half of the time are very skiddish and just really not worth it.  So yeah.  =)  Glee has taken some interesting turns lately, and I'm wondering how the season will end.  I have mixed feelings about the show; I love the music and I've grown to love the characters, but some of the plot developments are not that great.  They've been throwing in a lot of dirt lately, too, so we'll see whether or not it's worth it to keep watching.  Bones is fantastic, as always!  Last night's episode with the Gravedigger's court case was extremely intense; all the important evidence kept getting thrown out because of legal issues, and when they finally found her guilty (on only one charge, though), it got even more intense.  Max's wallet was stolen while he was in jail, so I'm thinking the Gravedigger will somehow get someone to work for her or escape from prison and attack Brennan's father, whose information she probably got from his wallet.  I had a dream about that very possibility last night, haha.  By the way, for those of you who don't follow Bones, which is many of you, I'm sure, the Gravedigger is a serial killer that they've been fighting since early season 2 (we're about to finish season 5).  She captures individuals, typically using a high voltage stun gun, then buries them alive in various places, telephoning with a distorted voice recorder to demand ransom.  If the ransom is paid, GPS coordinates are provided for the victim, and if not, the victim dies and may or may not be found later.  Brennan and Hodgins were buried alive together back in season 2, and because of their brilliance and the brilliance of their colleagues, they were able to be rescued barely before suffocating.  In season 4, Booth was captured by the Gravedigger, and they were barely able to get him out only because they found out who the Gravedigger was--a woman named Heather Taffet.  Taffet wouldn't tell them anything because she's a brilliant psychopath, but they found Booth and had her thrown in custody.  Unfortunately, Taffet is also a really good lawyer who defended herself in last night's court case and almost got herself cleared.  Booth, Brennan, and Hodgins were only allowed to testify as expert witnesses if they were not considered victims, which meant she was only tried on one case.  Anyway, the jury found her guilty, but I don't think it's over yet.  What is really surprising to me about the show is that they threw us for a loop again--Brennan told Booth that she's getting tired of the whole catching murderers thing.  She said it weighs her down, all the sadness, the difficulty, the stress, just the heaviness of the work.  Will she quit?!  If so, what will happen between her and Booth?!  Next week is the season finale, and I've gotta know :-o

Uhh...that's it for now.  I've already written too much, so I'll close.  Have a great weekend!  As my high school AP English Language teacher used to say, "Just because they pass it doesn't mean you have to smoke it."  We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.

Okay, now I actually have something to say. ish. maybe.

So it's a brand new day, and the sun is high, all the birds are singing cuz you're gonna die...except not really. Well, you will someday (most likely), but it is highly unlikely to have any connection to today's sunniness and bird singingness.  Unless you die from the avian flu or sun exposure.  (For those of you who think I'm totally insane, I often quote movies or books. This is is one of those times. So anytime you think I'm crazy, remember that I'm probably quoting something. I might not be, though. I might really be crazy. That's for me to know and you to find out.)

ANYWAY.  Today IS a brand new day, and it's an awesome day for several reasons.  ONE, it's Cinco de Mayo.  Hooray for Mexican pride!  TWO, and more importantly to me, it's my brother D's birthday!  Woo hoo!  Happy birthday, bro!  I'd tell you how old he is, but I'm not sure if he wants me to do that...let's just say that he's joining our other brother in a decade of years that the rest of us youngun's have yet to meet.  Happy birthday, D  =)

Today also marks some other things, so I'll continue along the number system that worked so well for us before.  THREE, it's the first day of non-droppable classes for spring term (yesterday was the ADD-DROP deadline)...so I'm stuck!  But that's okay, I really like my classes.  I'm taking Comparative Perspectives on Marriage and Family, an elective Sociology course that so far has proved very interesting.  Monday's class was a little awkward--one older single lady was very offended by her own misinterpretation of an important LDS doctrine concerning marriage, and a freshman girl was very confused about two other doctrines...but I'll spare you the details, unless you're interested.  Suffice to say, it was incredibly awkward.  Hopefully today's class is better.  Also, I'm "taking" a research course, which means I do research for a professor and she gives me academic credit for doing it.  Woot.  Which brings me to item number FOUR, which involves me beginning that research today!  Yeah, I'm so excited.  I actually like doing research (what that a quote or am I actually crazy?), and this particular project involves analyzing whether or not there is a significant difference in a child's health and sexual outcomes when raised by a single mom or a single dad.  Should be interesting.  FIVE, I've actually written something worthwhile in my blog.  SIX, um, I'm out of things to say, but I'm sure there are more.  =)  Enjoy the day!

I've decided to end each of my entries with a quote from something.  Will it be serious?  Will it be amusing?  Will it be peculiar in every sense of the word?  Probably one of the above, and possibly something else as well.  That being said...

Last night as I lay in bed and looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!